Catching Up

I had the rare desire to blog this morning while Allie is still sleeping (I was actually up before her!).  I think this is the longest break I've taken from blogging at over two months since my last post.  I honestly don't know if I'm going to continue or not, but here's an update on life lately.

I ended up getting a new job promotion at work!  It's close to what I've been doing, but more technical, and with people I already love working with.  The only hitch is that my old job hasn't been filled yet, and even when it has been filled, I'll be training the new people taking over (they are hiring two people to replace me) so it's probably going to be a long transition from the old job to the new.  Even so, I am happy how it worked out and it's great to feel like I'm growing and learning new things at work.

In pilot wife life/news, Greg and I decided to buy a house in Houston since it seems that he'll be based there for the foreseeable future.  We still plan to stay in Charlotte, but figured it was worth the investment to own property in Houston rather than for him to continue renting.  It's something we've discussed for a long time and now that his pay is good, things are relatively stable, and (fingers crossed) it doesn't seem like much will change for a while, we thought it was time.  We bought a small ranch style house with a garage (Greg is super excited about that since his car is about 200 degrees sitting in the hot Houston sun).  I actually haven't been out to see the new house, but Greg just "moved in" a couple weeks ago and is still settling his stuff in.  This doesn't change how we do anything, because Greg still comes home to Charlotte on his days off, but for the 8ish nights a month he spends there, he now has place that feels more like home.  I hope that it will help him to feel a little less crappy about being a commuter pilot.

In case you are wondering, things are good with our marriage.  Things have been super busy, especially with the house purchase, which required a couple extra days/nights in Houston and away from home, but over all, things with us are good.  We could use more date nights and are probably due for a trip away alone together, but I think in general we are happy and things are good.

We haven't decided if we are having another child or not and it's something I think about and struggle with constantly.  I've actually sort of let me brain take a break from thinking about it in the last couple weeks because I just feel like I can't make a decision.  I kind of don't think there's a "wrong" answer.  Either way I could see a happy life and/or challenges if we do or don't have another baby.  We'll see.

Allie just turned 18 months old.  She is so much fun and so so cute!

She says mama, dada, Clyde, airplane (sounds like may main), car, moon, mouse, cat, woof, moo, milk, grapes, banana (nana), Bob (my dad), truck, cup, cracker, Parker (friend at school), cookie, bread, fish, bird, blueberry, turtle (curkle), candle, potty, duck, butterfly, fries, cloud, sky, ball, ice, no...  the list goes on.  It's getting a lot easier to communicate.

Allie loves looking at pictures.  She will go over to the wall and bang on it til you lift her up to see pictures of people and point to everyone and tell her who they are.
She is good at kicking a ball soccer style (she didn't get that from me, I suck at soccer!).
She loves rocking horses and those ride-on spring things at playgrounds.

She's very into stickers but can't stop peeling them and re-sticking them.  I made the mistake of introducing reusable stickers and regular stickers around the same time, and I think that's where the confusion lies.
She loves to climb on things, like the couches and our ottoman.  She's kind of a daredevil and will try to stand on things too, which freaks me out.
She's obsessed with airplanes, and if you are outside with her, she's constantly point at the sky and say "may main" pointing at airplanes or even at the sky if she hears a plane but can't see it behind clouds.  We've taken her to the airport lookout a couple times and she loves it.
She still loves water.  She completed Toddler One swim lessons and won the Starfish award in her class. We're signed up for Toddler Two swim this fall.  Anytime you ask if she wants to go to the pool, she always nods yes.  She also loves the beach and is fearless- she'll run to the water and would dive in if you let her.

She loves animals, especially cats.  We showed her the show Too Cute on Animal Planet (it's on Netflix too), and she will excitedly watch for a couple minutes before losing interest (she's not really into TV).  She pretty much loves any animal though.  We took her to the Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia when my in-laws were visiting and she LOVED it.  Loved the penguins, the flamingos, the elephants, the gorillas... you name it.  Future vet maybe?

I feel like Allie has a super sweet nature to her.  Knock on wood, but I'm not aware of any incidents of her hitting, biting, or doing anything to another kid at daycare, even though she's been the victim of a bite.  A lot of teachers, including the floaters comment on her sweet nature and one has even said she's her favorite kid :)  I hope that continues.  She does tend to be fussy sometimes, I think when she's tired or hungry.  She definitely breaks into a wail if she wants something NOW and you aren't getting it fast enough, like every single night when I walk into the house and try to get dinner on her tray!

She naps once a day from 12-2pm and usually goes to bed between 7:30-8pm and sleeps til about 6-6:45am.  She rarely wakes up at night unless she's teething or something.  I consider her a great sleeper, and I know I'm lucky.

I love spending time with my baby, but that downtime after she goes to bed at night is my me-time.  I've been cleaning out my closet, watching Orange is the New Black, cleaning, talking to Greg when he's away, giving myself pedicures, etc...  I'm usually too tired to do anything too crazy, but I look forward to those two hours I have in the evening each day.

I'm still mostly doing stroller walks as my workout.  I probably walk with Allie and Clyde about 4 times a week, which isn't too bad.  As usual, I'd love to get more running in, but it's just not happening as much as I'd like.  I sometimes think about racing again, but still can't commit to a training schedule.  It is what it is.

That about sums it up for now!

Munchkin Meals at almost 16 Months

Every month I say I'm going to jump in with a Munchkin Meals post and every month I forget and don't do it, so this month I have made it a point to try and take pictures of some of Allie's meals so I could be ready to write this post.

Allie is a pretty good eater.  At least I think she is.  I would say she's sort of average.  She could be a little more adventurous, but I'm happy that she eats as many things as she does and glad that a lot of those things are fairly healthy things.

Allie is still allergic to cow's milk and eggs, but we have a "challenge" coming up with our allergist to pursue further testing on this, so we'll see what happens after that.  In the meantime, I'm lucky that she's not picky about alternate milks, she'll drink coconut, almond, soy, hemp, oat...  pretty much whatever I've tried and I prefer to mix it up since each have different pros and cons.

We are nearing the end of our nursing journey.  Allie has tapered way down with the duration of her sessions and I think we may be done with her night time one, and will only nurse in the morning for a couple minutes before scooting off my lap.  I'm thrilled with how long we've done it, and actually feel good about this gradual let go.  I don't think I could have done what a lot of people do and pick and end date, so I'm glad we've just kind of rolled with it as long as she had an interest and gradually let it go.  Honestly I think my milk supply is pretty close to dried up now so we are really nearing the end.

As far as what Allie eats, here's a glimpse:

Breakfast

Almost every day Allie eats baby oatmeal for breakfast.  I would actually be fine with breaking her out of this rut, but she seems to love it and since it's a healthy option that I can customize and mix up so many different ways, I've just been rolling with it.  What I usually do is mix either unsweetened apple sauce or mashed banana with coconut/almond or some form of non-cow's milk, and heat it, then mix in nut butter and the baby oatmeal.  While I'm prepping her oatmeal, Allie eats fruit, usually blueberries, strawberries, or banana, but sometimes something else. 

After breakfast on weekdays, Allie goes to daycare and ours actually has a cafeteria and a menu for the kids, so each week we get a copy of what they will get for a morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack.  I look it over and sometimes I have to provide something else for Allie on days when they are having something with milk in it that she can't have, like mac and cheese or pizza.  It's not a big deal, I just send sunbutter/jelly sandwich or maybe a turkey and hummus sandwich, or coconut milk yogurt on days when the kids are being served regular yogurt as the snack.


Morning Snack

Allie's snack at daycare could be anything from yogurt, to dried cereal, to french toast.  I usually give her some type of morning snack on weekends as well.  I've had great success with smoothies lately when we're home together, so I'll keep doing that since she gets a serving of spinach in when I do that.  I like the combo of almond milk, banana, spinach, almond butter, chia seeds, coconut milk yogurt, and maybe blueberries or peaches (whatever I have).

Lunch

As mentioned, nutbutter (sunbutter when she goes to daycare since it's a nut free facility) and jelly sandwiches are a favorite.  Allie LOVES hummus, and will eat it on multi-grain crackers, bread, or straight out of a bowl with her fingers or a spoon.  Allie will eat most types of fruit, and usually likes peas, squash, corn, carrots and sweet potato.  I usually just try to feed her a protein, a carb/grain, and fruit/veg.  She likes deli turkey, so I'll get the Applegate Farms or Boar's Head for her, and she usually likes rotissie chicken, so that's sometimes a lunch option too, although, dinner more often.  She is hit or miss with pasta.  I find that she likes the Target Giada DeLaurentis tomato basil sauce (it's so good), but won't usually eat pasta with any other type of sauce.  I usually try sneak some cooked zuchinni in with her pasta and she will usually eat it.

Daycare picnic lunch of turkey sandwich, pears, and potato wedges.

Afternoon snack

Similar to the morning snack options, sometimes a pouch if we're out somewhere.

Dinner

Peas grown in my mom's garden and a grilled hummus sandwich on whole grain bread.

For dinner I feed Allie similar things to lunch.  I rotate through the same kinds of things mentioned in the lunch post.  Proteins like hummus, chicken, turkey.  Another thing I've had success with is the Morning Star "fake" chicken patties.  I sometimes use those as a quick protein. 

Handful of puffs (started with while waiting for me to get food on the tray), peas, diced chicken (she also had unpictured hummus and crackers).

Allie LOVES bread and will eat regular slices of whole grain bread, toast, or pizza crust.  She also loves tortillas, so sometimes I'll do a tortilla wrap with hummus and turkey too.  I sometimes do roasted sweet potatoes and those are hit or miss (!? come on kid, sweet potato is awesome!!).  I wish I could get Allie into more types of beans as a protein option, but she usually won't touch them.  I did once get her to eat a little refried bean on tortilla, but it's a rare thing.  She also has zero interest in red meat or fish.  I've successfully fed her pork a handful of times, but recently, no dice.

Strawberries, sweet potato, PB and J bites...

Dessert/treats

Eating a coconut milk ice cream cone- messy!

Allie likes coconut milk ice cream, so we'll do that occasionally.  She also likes cookies and knows where they are in the pantry and will sometimes go to that area and point to them.  I'll give her one or two and usually at least part of one gets fed to Clyde.  She also likes Cool Whip, and recently I found an alternative that looks slightly less chemical-laden (called TruWhip), so I sometimes will give her some with some berries as a treat.  I also found that she likes munching a big graham cracker when in the stroller, which helps keep her distracted when we go for walks.  Otherwise it can be a battle to keep her contained now that she's so into walking.

Despite all the good the good eating Allie does, she's about 3rd percentile for weight, which sometimes worries me.  I try to sneak healthy fat in where I can, like drizzling olive oil on veggies, adding nut butter to oatmeal, toast, smoothies, etc... but she is still pretty much a peanut.  If you guys have ideas of things to try, I'm all ears.  I know we're missing out on a big source of potential fat by her not being able to eat milk products and eggs.

Anyway, it was fun sharing!

Stitch Fix

Sorry about the heaviness of my last post.  I think it came across a little whiny.  The last thing I want anyone to think is that I don't appreciate what I have.  It's like I said, it's all worth it, even if I feel a bit stalled in my career, because I love living in Charlotte, my friends, my daughter, my husband, our house...  We have a good life here and overall I'm very happy with where we are, it's just that I wish that my career was progressing a little more and if I had to do it over, I'd make some different decisions about my career along the way, but overall, life is good.

ANYWAY!  Totally shifting gears here, I recently hopped on the Stitch Fix bandwagon.  I had been thinking about it for a while and decided to give it a try since I never have time to shop for clothing for myself now and even when I do have the chance, I usually end up shopping for Allie instead.  I thought it would be fun to see what someone else picked out for me.

If you're not familiar with Stitch Fix, it's an online service that allows you to customize preferences and styles and have a stylist pick clothing and accessories for you.  You also give them all your sizes and you can tell them if there's anything specific you want or don't want each time.  They ship you a box of items and you try them on and decide what you like and don't like and send back the items you don't wish to keep in a prepaid envelope.  For the items you keep, you can apply the $20 styling fee towards them, and you just go online to your account and check out.

In my first box, I received a pair of pants, two shirts, a blazer, and a purse.  The items come with a styling card, which is awesome.  It gives you ideas of ways to wear each item included.

The first item I tried on were the pants.  They were coral colored and slightly cropped.  I liked the material a lot, very soft, and the color is similar to one of my favorite pairs of shorts.

I was not a fan of the fit or the price though.  Cropped pants are tricky for me since I'm only 5'3".  I feel like I either need long pants or capris that are more cropped than this or it looks like I'm wearing pants that are too short.  Also, I felt like they tapered in an unflattering way, since I'm kind of pear shaped...  And they were the most expensive item at $128 (I almost never spend that much on a single clothing item). These were returned.

The second item I tried, you can see in the above picture.  It's a t-shirt with stripes on the front, a blue and white print on the back, and a floral pocket.  I am a sucker for any fun shirt, because I feel like they are so versatile and can be worn with jeans, shorts, etc...

I liked it with jeans or shorts.

The top was a little more than I usually spend on a t-shirt at $44, but it's so much more fun and interesting than most of my t-shirts, that I decided to keep it.

The third item was a coral plaid shirt.  At first glance, I thought I would be returning it because I actually have a plaid shirt that is sort of similar from Ralph Lauren.

Oh, hi Clyde!

I tried it anyway on though.

Cute with shorts...  and with jeans.

What actually sold me though, was the style card.  The material is sort of dressy, and the style card suggested pairing it with a pencil shirt for work, something I couldn't do with my cotton shirt from RL.

I decided I loved the feel, the fit, the pattern, and the versatility of the coral plaid shirt and kept it.  It was also in the $48, which isn't bad.

The next item was a striped blazer.  I liked the idea of a striped blazer, but the biggest problem with this item for me was the material.  It was too soft and not structured enough.  It looked like I'd have to iron it to get it to hold it's shape.  It was too casual for work and I didn't think I'd use it outside of work either, so it didn't really work for me.  I didn't love it, and it was $72, so I sent this one back.

It actually looks better in pictures than I feel like it did in person, but I stand by my decision.

The last item was a crossbody purse/bag.  I have actually been curious about these for a while, so it was not a bad thing that they sent me one to try.  

The two things I liked least about this were that it has gold hardware (I prefer silver) and snakeskin texture.  And I'm at this weird point where I'm not that into bags/purses because I usually just use my standby black purse, which is on the small side, or the diaper bag.  I think if I weren't a mom and were more purses right now, I could have found this more fun and playful, but I didn't feel like it was entirely practical for my needs right now.  A smaller version a crossbody bag could be fun to replace my boring black purse though.  The price was $52, which I thought was pretty reasonable (non-leather), but I just didn't love it.

So in the end, I kept the two tops and sent the rest back.  

I think Stitch Fix did pretty good for my first try though!  Everything they sent fit well and all were items I feel like I wouldn't easily find shopping myself, which is pretty cool!  I actually already scheduled my second fix for a few weeks from now.  We have a family trip to Hilton Head coming up and I asked for some fun vacation pieces for the trip!  Can't wait to see what I get!

Oh, and here's my referral link if you want to try it!

On Sacrifice

My friend Victoria did a post recently that I could have written (well except that I'm not an attorney).  I have said her exact words over and over throughout the last year since having Allie, I feel mediocre at everything.  As much as I'd like to think I have figured out balance in my life, I have to admit that never truly feel like I am giving 100% to any part of my life anymore, which is incredibly frustrating.  It's the age old debate about whether a woman can have it all, and in my experience, the answer is kind of no.  Even though I do pretty much have everything I could ask for, I feel like all the tanks are sort of half full because I can't dedicate my full energy or time to any one area.  If I am excelling at one thing, it might be at the expense of something else.  I feel that constantly.  Certain areas are definitely lacking because sacrifices were made.

In my mid 20's, while living in the DC area, I got hired at a place where it seemed that there were unlimited possibilities in which direction I could go with my career and only six months after I started, I was promoted, so this reinforced to me the notion that I would love working at this place and would have plenty of growth opportunity.  Then my husband's career took a nose dive (no aviation pun intended) and we decided to relocate to Charlotte.  I actually fought the move for the very reason that I knew it would probably hurt my career and any growth opportunity I had hoped for, but in the end I caved and agreed to it, feeling that it was a sacrifice I would have to make for US, and our future family.  I dreamed of our future kids, being closer distance to my parents, getting out of the DC traffic and "rat race" and decided it was worth the sacrifice when I weighed it all.

When I got to Charlotte, I did a lot to try to position myself to move up, but with few opportunities and a hiring freeze, I kind of had to just coast where I was, I didn't really have a choice for a while.  I got focused on having a baby and cultivating my life outside of work, and things just kind of stayed as they were with my career and I found a way to be okay with that.  Now I've been in my current job seven years, the longest I've been in any job, and while I like it, I am thinking long term and know that I'd like to do something else in my life and don't see myself retiring in this same job- the thought of that bothers the ambitious 20 something girl I used to be.  I want to feel like I'm utilizing more of myself and learning new things, and not just stagnant.

Recently, out of nowhere, an opportunity came up at work for a job I have been interested in for a while.  I spent over a week reworking my resume to apply before the job closed, talked to people about the job, and all the sudden it was something I really wanted, which is something I didn't see coming since I've been more focused on my growing family more than work for the past couple years.  The resume re-working paid off.  I got an interview.  The interview was something I did NOT adequately prepare for though, and found myself fumbling through it.  I did not get the job and I really have to stop myself from slapping myself upside the head, because I really think I could have gotten the job if my interview had gone better.  I can't blame my family, or Allie, or anyone but myself, but at the same time, I know if I didn't have so much going on, I think I would have been able to focus better on preparing for the interview.  I also think I would have been more focused on career in general.

It's stuff like this that makes you question what you are doing.  Like, should I bother working if I'm not even doing what I really am capable of, but don't have the energy/time to put towards getting promoted since I'm so busy with my family and don't have time for further schooling/learning, etc..?  If I'm not getting further with my career anyway, should I just be staying home with my daughter?  It's hard to know.  I know that I do feel like I was right when I thought I should go back to work because I would need the "break" I get when I go to work, since I am the only parent with my daughter for days at a time because of my husband being away.  Even though it makes life busy, I feel like it's good for Allie and I to have that time apart.  Allie is already so dependent on me, since I'm the parent that's there every day, that if we spent even more time together with no other people around, I feel like she'd freak out when she was left with anyone.  So in that respect, I know daycare is good for her, to get used to other caregivers and have interaction with other kids.  And likewise, I need the adult interaction and different challenges I get at work.  But back to my point.  I just feel like if I don't feel like I'm really excelling at my career, it makes all this feel like a little bit of a waste, which sucks.

The other day though, I was talking to someone about what happened with this job.  It's been said to me many times lately in conversations about it, that I could get promoted if I were willing to move.  I know that's true.  And actually, I know Greg would move if it's what I really wanted, because we're not in the place we were in 8 years ago when we felt like we needed to move mainly for financial reasons.  There are a couple places we could move where he could commute as easily from or we could even move to Houston if an opportunity came up for me there, but when I weigh everything I'd have to sacrifice FOR my career, I realize it's not worth it to me.  Even though I sacrificed my career to be in Charlotte, have a family, live somewhere with a lower cost of living, be near my parents...  these things are all more important to me than a promotion.  I imagine moving for a job and starting over making friends, being far away from my parents, missing Charlotte and the life I created here, and I know it wouldn't be worth it if I were in a different job if I were unhappy with the rest of my life outside of work, which is a definite possibility if we moved.  So basically it's worth it for me to be here, where I am now in life, but it doesn't mean that I don't ache when I don't get a promotion and think that if I hadn't had to make certain sacrifices, I could be further along in my career.

Also, read this.  I feel like this reinforces why it's worth it.

Allie is One!

Ok, I'm finally getting this post up after major procrastination.  Allie turned ONE a couple weeks ago over a month ago.  I waited to do the update so I could get stats from her one year appointment, and also because she didn't have her official birthday party until a couple weeks after, we were travelling for a week, and, let's face it, because I'm SLOW.

The actual day of Allie's birthday was spent alone with me, snowed in.  Daddy was flying and work and school were cancelled due to the storm.

We actually had a great day together, with lots of play time inside and of course her checking out the white stuff outside!  I did a photo shoot of Allie in her birthday outfit, complete with rubber duck props...

I made her some banana muffins and frosted one for her and put a candle in it while FaceTiming with my parents so they could participate in the action.

I gave Allie a toy fridge to play with, which was good timing since it was good to have a new toy while snowed in.

Allie started walking a couple weeks before turning one, and was only up to about 10-15 independent steps at a time by her actual birthday.  She was still doing a combination of crawling and walking, and still is, but lately she's walking more than 50% of the time.  She's a master at getting up and down stairs and loves climbing on to and off of her Pottery Barn chair all the time.

Also right around the one year mark, Allie finally started purposefully saying "mama" which was great.  She still says "da" more than any other word, and uses this to refer to Clyde, ducks, Dad, and when pointing to things.  We're pretty sure she's said Clyde a bunch of times, and also appears to be trying to say "quack quack quack" since we say that around her many duck toys and books all the time.

At one year, Allie weighed in at a whopping 17 lbs 4 oz., putting her in the 3-5th percentile for weight!  I'd be nervous if her growth hadn't followed that pattern all along and if she wasn't a good eater, but she actually eats well and the pediatrician isn't worried, she's just small.  Also, she isn't as small when compared to the world growth chart as much as the US one.  For length, she's 28 inches, so 10-25th for height.  Still rocking the big head at 46 cm (75th percentile).  Allie is still in size 3 diapers, and mostly 12M clothes, but still fits snuggly into some of her 9M clothes too.  I have recently become obsessed with shoes for Allie and can't stop buying them.  She has three pairs of "real" shoes that are all size 3, but I have also bought ahead in sizes 4-5 if I find a good deal.

Allie is still pretty obsessed with ducks.  My mom did a total rubber duck themed party for Allie, and it was a huge hit.

Like I said, she's a good eater most of the time, but definitely has her favorites.  Those include rotisserie chicken, blueberries, bananas, sweet potatoes, cantaloupe, peas, pears, baby oatmeal (i mix applesauce and nut butter in), grapes (a recent addition), Applegate farms deli turkey, toast, PB &J, Goldfish, and hummus on crackers (another new addition).  She doesn't like watermelon, strawberries, green beans, broccoli, chicken nuggets, and some of the other random things we've tried feeding her.  Pasta with sauce is hit or miss.  Sometimes she loves it, sometimes not.  We still have lots to explore, but I admit, I fall back on her favorites a lot because most of them are easy to get on the table in 5 minutes, which is essential when we walk in the door on a weeknight.  She's also drinking a combination of milks- almond, coconut, soy, and hemp, and also some Pediasure.  She also gets one bottle of breast milk a day- usually about 4oz (yes, I am still pumping at work).  Our pediatrician told us to aim for 16oz a day total of some kind of milk.

This stage is kind of neat because she's starting to seem like a big girl, but at the same time the baby part of her is still recognizable.  I am still breastfeeding twice a day, in the morning and at night, and I love those moments of her snuggled against me when I still feel like she's a little baby.  But it's definitely fun to see her walking everywhere and exploring like a big girl too.  It's been a whirlwind year!  I can't even tell you how much I love this girl...

Thoughts on the First Year

Greetings from the epicenter of snowacalypse 2014!  We have received quite the dump of snow here in Charlotte today and I have no idea when I'll be leaving my house again.  Good thing I have 8 years worth of food in my pantry for occasions like this.  It kind of worked out good for me to be home today, because I got to spend the last day of my baby's first year with her.  I pretty much savored all her smiles, cuddles, and snuggles today.

No need to change out of pajamas!  SNOW DAY!
And yes, she's wearing boys pajamas because they have planes on them!

Allie will be a YEAR OLD tomorrow!  Unbelievable...  I've done little but catalog the first year of my baby's life on the blog for almost the last year.  It makes sense since she's basically become my whole world and almost nothing in my life is the same as it used to be before she arrived.  Still, this used to be a blog about me, so I thought I should maybe catch up on some of what's gone on for me this year.  The lack of posts are pretty pathetic and I've thought more than once about stopping blogging altogether.  I still read other blogs a lot (pretty much all I do when pumping), but when I try to wrap my head around writing a post, editing pictures, and using precious time to blog, something else usually wins out.  Still, I like having the outlet here if and when I want it.

My first year as a mother has been so crazy.  I have never loved another human being like I love Allie.  It reminds me of the symbiotic relationship between E.T. and Elliot.  I feel like I hurt when she hurts.  If she is happy, I am happy.  Her smile makes me instantly smile.  As probably any mother will attest to, it's hard to describe this love.  It's actually scary, because it's the kind of love you really fear losing and you know that you would suffer extreme pain if anything were to happen to this creature you are completely absorbed with.  It makes me feel like I can't breathe to even think about it.

Changing your identity to a mother means it's not about you anymore.  I always knew that and I thought I was prepared for it, but it has still been a huge change.  Before I had Allie, I had so much free time to watch trashy TV, to go to trendy restaurants, to tie up my running shoes and hit the pavement, to clean my house, to snuggle my dog, to go to Target without a second thought, to blog...  Now all of those things are difficult to do, and require thought and planning.  They are all "big events" to me now and after thirty some odd years of doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it, it's been weird to give up all that freedom.  Still, I know my life has so much more meaning now and part of me thrives on life being so busy.

At some point I did get the hang of planning better around Allie's sleep, which helps me to feel like I have a better handle on everything else in my life (except the blog- ha!).  I guess when she became slightly more predictable sleeping at night and during naps I was able to snap out of it and tackle my long long list of things to do, which includes stuff like reading and watching TV, but also a lot of cleaning, laundry, and washing bottles.  It's really taken me all year to get a good balance though and I still wouldn't say I've completely figured it out.  In an ideal world I would have a lot more time to run, blog, watch Parenthood, organize my closet, and go out more.  I do some of these things sometimes, but most of them I do with no regularity at all.   I haven't run since Thanksgiving, which is ridiculous, I know.  It's just THAT hard for me to find the time to do it and it's so much less of a priority now.  I fit things in when I have an hour to spare, if it happens to be what I feel like doing in the hour that I have, or they fall by the wayside and I use the hour to fold Allie's laundry and shower (more often than not).  It's just reality.

Another thing I haven't talked about, but I do want to share for the sake of others that might be experiencing it, is that having a baby has been hard on my marriage.  A lot of people talk about how seeing their husband become a father makes their heart explode with love for him, and I do agree, it's an awesome thing and pretty overwhelming to feel your love grow when you add a person the two of you made.  Still, after that initial swell of pride and fuzzy feelings of love, came a lot of stress for us.  I've always said that any person you choose to marry has flaws and you are deciding whether you can live with those flaws or not.  I successfully lived with my husband's flaws for eleven years before we had Allie.  We went through furlough, miscarriages, and many other stressful events, and I thought having a baby would be the least of our troubles, more like a dream come true, but babies bring a lot of stress.  You lack sleep, your life is totally different, you are responsible for another human being, and you feel like there are so many decisions to be made.  We were not always on the same page, and maybe my husband being a pilot exacerbated that because we weren't able to commiserate daily on how to handle things, a lot of it gets differed to me, which makes things weird when he is home and is trying to jump in and be involved.  His aforementioned flaws that used to be cute and quirky (I married the slowest person alive), became serious annoyances when things were stressful.  It's not just him either, I'm no picnic either.  I have a short temper, and when I'm stressed out, I'm basically just cranky.  We are kind of polar opposites and while I like to think we usually complement each other, it can be hard when taking care of a baby and things need to be agreed upon.  I like things scheduled and he likes to fly by the seat of his pants and throw schedules out the window.  That drives me nuts when it comes to Allie because I feel like babies NEED to keep on a schedule, but Greg doesn't, and doesn't get why I'm so rigid about naps, feedings, and bedtime.  I was also really consumed by motherhood and still am.  At times I really have to force myself to think about being a wife and put effort into cultivating that relationship.  It's been a huge adjustment.  Around six months in, we decided to do some marriage counseling and I don't know if it was the counseling or just both of us committing to working on things, but things did improve and I think we both have a better handle on it now.  Still, this has easily been the hardest year for our marriage.  I love my husband and our little family though.  I think we're going to survive being parents, but it's taken a lot of getting used to!

What else?  Well I'm definitely a helicopter mom.  It's funny because with a lot of things in life I am a fairly laid back person, but with my fragile baby, I am like a roll of bubble wrap, constantly hovering around her scared she will fall.  And she does fall, a lot, which sort of negates the whole mission of being a helicopter mom!  As I said before, I also found out that I like things very scheduled when it comes to Allie.  As soon as I pick her up from daycare I read her full report on when she napped, ate, pooped, etc...  I want to know it all.  I'm quite the control freak!

If you had to ask me what one of my favorite things about the first year has been, I would say breastfeeding.  We've made it to year and I have LOVED it.  The thought of stopping makes me cry, and honestly, I thought when we got to a year, I'd be well on my way to weaning, but I can't even bring myself to stop pumping this week because I also just like knowing she's having my milk when she is away from me.  I feel like it connects us.  I just can't even describe the overwhelming love I feel for my daughter when I am feeding her and she is snuggled up against me.  I love sniffing her hair, stroking her cheek, and squeezing her foot.  It's beyond special to me and I am not sure when I will wean her, but basically I have no plan to just yet, which isn't something I would have expected.  I know I am very, very lucky to have had such a good experience, but just so you know, breastfeeding hasn't always been easy for me.  I have had many days and weeks when I thought my supply was dipping and I was sweating over whether I could pump enough to keep up with demand.  It's hard when you have a certain number of ounces you have to have for daycare and you realize you might come up short.  I ate lactation cookies, took fenugreek, drank mother's milk tea, doubled my water intake, have eaten too many bowls of oatmeal to count, and ate like a pig to keep up with the demand.  I had nights when I couldn't get my boobs to let down and had to feed Allie a bottle of pumped milk.  I've dipped into my freezer stash so much that many times I was down to only 2-3 bags of frozen milk and I thought that would be it.  I've also declined to do things that I knew would be too difficult because of breastfeeding or pumping.  If I had to do it over, I think I would, but part of me wonders if I should have introduced formula at some point and had it there as an option.  It would probably have been a lot less stressful.  After a while, I had gone so long without introducing formula, that it seemed like it would be more stressful to try to get her to take it than to just keep on feeding her breast milk, whatever I had to do to keep making it. Also, when we found out Allie had the milk allergy that confirmed it for me that I would breastfeed as long as I could since she could only have certain formula without milk proteins anyway.  I am glad for that reason we didn't give her formula, because she would have been allergic to most kinds.  Anyway, we've gotten through it and it's been totally worth it.  That's just been my experience, I totally respect a mother's choice and ability to do what they have to do to feed her child.

I still am happy with my choice to go back to work, most days.  I miss Allie all the time, but I like having work in my life as well.  I feel like Allie is doing well at daycare.  I like that she has that social interaction and that they keep her on a schedule, and I feel like she enjoys it.  I don't know if any mother is ever 100% sure of the decision to work or stay home, but I feel pretty good about where we are.  It is definitely a lot to work and be a mom though.

Us outside earlier today.

I've enjoyed watching Allie grow and it's amazing how far she's come in a year, from the tiny baby that could barely move on her own, to one that is almost walking on her own now (10 steps is probably her record!).  I can't wait to see how this next year goes!  Hopefully I'll be posting more of a formal one year update on Allie next!