My friend Victoria did a post recently that I could have written (well except that I'm not an attorney). I have said her exact words over and over throughout the last year since having Allie, I feel mediocre at everything. As much as I'd like to think I have figured out balance in my life, I have to admit that never truly feel like I am giving 100% to any part of my life anymore, which is incredibly frustrating. It's the age old debate about whether a woman can have it all, and in my experience, the answer is kind of no. Even though I do pretty much have everything I could ask for, I feel like all the tanks are sort of half full because I can't dedicate my full energy or time to any one area. If I am excelling at one thing, it might be at the expense of something else. I feel that constantly. Certain areas are definitely lacking because sacrifices were made.
In my mid 20's, while living in the DC area, I got hired at a place where it seemed that there were unlimited possibilities in which direction I could go with my career and only six months after I started, I was promoted, so this reinforced to me the notion that I would love working at this place and would have plenty of growth opportunity. Then my husband's career took a nose dive (no aviation pun intended) and we decided to relocate to Charlotte. I actually fought the move for the very reason that I knew it would probably hurt my career and any growth opportunity I had hoped for, but in the end I caved and agreed to it, feeling that it was a sacrifice I would have to make for US, and our future family. I dreamed of our future kids, being closer distance to my parents, getting out of the DC traffic and "rat race" and decided it was worth the sacrifice when I weighed it all.
When I got to Charlotte, I did a lot to try to position myself to move up, but with few opportunities and a hiring freeze, I kind of had to just coast where I was, I didn't really have a choice for a while. I got focused on having a baby and cultivating my life outside of work, and things just kind of stayed as they were with my career and I found a way to be okay with that. Now I've been in my current job seven years, the longest I've been in any job, and while I like it, I am thinking long term and know that I'd like to do something else in my life and don't see myself retiring in this same job- the thought of that bothers the ambitious 20 something girl I used to be. I want to feel like I'm utilizing more of myself and learning new things, and not just stagnant.
Recently, out of nowhere, an opportunity came up at work for a job I have been interested in for a while. I spent over a week reworking my resume to apply before the job closed, talked to people about the job, and all the sudden it was something I really wanted, which is something I didn't see coming since I've been more focused on my growing family more than work for the past couple years. The resume re-working paid off. I got an interview. The interview was something I did NOT adequately prepare for though, and found myself fumbling through it. I did not get the job and I really have to stop myself from slapping myself upside the head, because I really think I could have gotten the job if my interview had gone better. I can't blame my family, or Allie, or anyone but myself, but at the same time, I know if I didn't have so much going on, I think I would have been able to focus better on preparing for the interview. I also think I would have been more focused on career in general.
It's stuff like this that makes you question what you are doing. Like, should I bother working if I'm not even doing what I really am capable of, but don't have the energy/time to put towards getting promoted since I'm so busy with my family and don't have time for further schooling/learning, etc..? If I'm not getting further with my career anyway, should I just be staying home with my daughter? It's hard to know. I know that I do feel like I was right when I thought I should go back to work because I would need the "break" I get when I go to work, since I am the only parent with my daughter for days at a time because of my husband being away. Even though it makes life busy, I feel like it's good for Allie and I to have that time apart. Allie is already so dependent on me, since I'm the parent that's there every day, that if we spent even more time together with no other people around, I feel like she'd freak out when she was left with anyone. So in that respect, I know daycare is good for her, to get used to other caregivers and have interaction with other kids. And likewise, I need the adult interaction and different challenges I get at work. But back to my point. I just feel like if I don't feel like I'm really excelling at my career, it makes all this feel like a little bit of a waste, which sucks.
The other day though, I was talking to someone about what happened with this job. It's been said to me many times lately in conversations about it, that I could get promoted if I were willing to move. I know that's true. And actually, I know Greg would move if it's what I really wanted, because we're not in the place we were in 8 years ago when we felt like we needed to move mainly for financial reasons. There are a couple places we could move where he could commute as easily from or we could even move to Houston if an opportunity came up for me there, but when I weigh everything I'd have to sacrifice FOR my career, I realize it's not worth it to me. Even though I sacrificed my career to be in Charlotte, have a family, live somewhere with a lower cost of living, be near my parents... these things are all more important to me than a promotion. I imagine moving for a job and starting over making friends, being far away from my parents, missing Charlotte and the life I created here, and I know it wouldn't be worth it if I were in a different job if I were unhappy with the rest of my life outside of work, which is a definite possibility if we moved. So basically it's worth it for me to be here, where I am now in life, but it doesn't mean that I don't ache when I don't get a promotion and think that if I hadn't had to make certain sacrifices, I could be further along in my career.
Also, read this. I feel like this reinforces why it's worth it.
Showing posts with label working mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label working mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Thoughts on the First Year
Greetings from the epicenter of snowacalypse 2014! We have received quite the dump of snow here in Charlotte today and I have no idea when I'll be leaving my house again. Good thing I have 8 years worth of food in my pantry for occasions like this. It kind of worked out good for me to be home today, because I got to spend the last day of my baby's first year with her. I pretty much savored all her smiles, cuddles, and snuggles today.
Allie will be a YEAR OLD tomorrow! Unbelievable... I've done little but catalog the first year of my baby's life on the blog for almost the last year. It makes sense since she's basically become my whole world and almost nothing in my life is the same as it used to be before she arrived. Still, this used to be a blog about me, so I thought I should maybe catch up on some of what's gone on for me this year. The lack of posts are pretty pathetic and I've thought more than once about stopping blogging altogether. I still read other blogs a lot (pretty much all I do when pumping), but when I try to wrap my head around writing a post, editing pictures, and using precious time to blog, something else usually wins out. Still, I like having the outlet here if and when I want it.
My first year as a mother has been so crazy. I have never loved another human being like I love Allie. It reminds me of the symbiotic relationship between E.T. and Elliot. I feel like I hurt when she hurts. If she is happy, I am happy. Her smile makes me instantly smile. As probably any mother will attest to, it's hard to describe this love. It's actually scary, because it's the kind of love you really fear losing and you know that you would suffer extreme pain if anything were to happen to this creature you are completely absorbed with. It makes me feel like I can't breathe to even think about it.
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Changing your identity to a mother means it's not about you anymore. I always knew that and I thought I was prepared for it, but it has still been a huge change. Before I had Allie, I had so much free time to watch trashy TV, to go to trendy restaurants, to tie up my running shoes and hit the pavement, to clean my house, to snuggle my dog, to go to Target without a second thought, to blog... Now all of those things are difficult to do, and require thought and planning. They are all "big events" to me now and after thirty some odd years of doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it, it's been weird to give up all that freedom. Still, I know my life has so much more meaning now and part of me thrives on life being so busy.
At some point I did get the hang of planning better around Allie's sleep, which helps me to feel like I have a better handle on everything else in my life (except the blog- ha!). I guess when she became slightly more predictable sleeping at night and during naps I was able to snap out of it and tackle my long long list of things to do, which includes stuff like reading and watching TV, but also a lot of cleaning, laundry, and washing bottles. It's really taken me all year to get a good balance though and I still wouldn't say I've completely figured it out. In an ideal world I would have a lot more time to run, blog, watch Parenthood, organize my closet, and go out more. I do some of these things sometimes, but most of them I do with no regularity at all. I haven't run since Thanksgiving, which is ridiculous, I know. It's just THAT hard for me to find the time to do it and it's so much less of a priority now. I fit things in when I have an hour to spare, if it happens to be what I feel like doing in the hour that I have, or they fall by the wayside and I use the hour to fold Allie's laundry and shower (more often than not). It's just reality.
Another thing I haven't talked about, but I do want to share for the sake of others that might be experiencing it, is that having a baby has been hard on my marriage. A lot of people talk about how seeing their husband become a father makes their heart explode with love for him, and I do agree, it's an awesome thing and pretty overwhelming to feel your love grow when you add a person the two of you made. Still, after that initial swell of pride and fuzzy feelings of love, came a lot of stress for us. I've always said that any person you choose to marry has flaws and you are deciding whether you can live with those flaws or not. I successfully lived with my husband's flaws for eleven years before we had Allie. We went through furlough, miscarriages, and many other stressful events, and I thought having a baby would be the least of our troubles, more like a dream come true, but babies bring a lot of stress. You lack sleep, your life is totally different, you are responsible for another human being, and you feel like there are so many decisions to be made. We were not always on the same page, and maybe my husband being a pilot exacerbated that because we weren't able to commiserate daily on how to handle things, a lot of it gets differed to me, which makes things weird when he is home and is trying to jump in and be involved. His aforementioned flaws that used to be cute and quirky (I married the slowest person alive), became serious annoyances when things were stressful. It's not just him either, I'm no picnic either. I have a short temper, and when I'm stressed out, I'm basically just cranky. We are kind of polar opposites and while I like to think we usually complement each other, it can be hard when taking care of a baby and things need to be agreed upon. I like things scheduled and he likes to fly by the seat of his pants and throw schedules out the window. That drives me nuts when it comes to Allie because I feel like babies NEED to keep on a schedule, but Greg doesn't, and doesn't get why I'm so rigid about naps, feedings, and bedtime. I was also really consumed by motherhood and still am. At times I really have to force myself to think about being a wife and put effort into cultivating that relationship. It's been a huge adjustment. Around six months in, we decided to do some marriage counseling and I don't know if it was the counseling or just both of us committing to working on things, but things did improve and I think we both have a better handle on it now. Still, this has easily been the hardest year for our marriage. I love my husband and our little family though. I think we're going to survive being parents, but it's taken a lot of getting used to!
What else? Well I'm definitely a helicopter mom. It's funny because with a lot of things in life I am a fairly laid back person, but with my fragile baby, I am like a roll of bubble wrap, constantly hovering around her scared she will fall. And she does fall, a lot, which sort of negates the whole mission of being a helicopter mom! As I said before, I also found out that I like things very scheduled when it comes to Allie. As soon as I pick her up from daycare I read her full report on when she napped, ate, pooped, etc... I want to know it all. I'm quite the control freak!
If you had to ask me what one of my favorite things about the first year has been, I would say breastfeeding. We've made it to year and I have LOVED it. The thought of stopping makes me cry, and honestly, I thought when we got to a year, I'd be well on my way to weaning, but I can't even bring myself to stop pumping this week because I also just like knowing she's having my milk when she is away from me. I feel like it connects us. I just can't even describe the overwhelming love I feel for my daughter when I am feeding her and she is snuggled up against me. I love sniffing her hair, stroking her cheek, and squeezing her foot. It's beyond special to me and I am not sure when I will wean her, but basically I have no plan to just yet, which isn't something I would have expected. I know I am very, very lucky to have had such a good experience, but just so you know, breastfeeding hasn't always been easy for me. I have had many days and weeks when I thought my supply was dipping and I was sweating over whether I could pump enough to keep up with demand. It's hard when you have a certain number of ounces you have to have for daycare and you realize you might come up short. I ate lactation cookies, took fenugreek, drank mother's milk tea, doubled my water intake, have eaten too many bowls of oatmeal to count, and ate like a pig to keep up with the demand. I had nights when I couldn't get my boobs to let down and had to feed Allie a bottle of pumped milk. I've dipped into my freezer stash so much that many times I was down to only 2-3 bags of frozen milk and I thought that would be it. I've also declined to do things that I knew would be too difficult because of breastfeeding or pumping. If I had to do it over, I think I would, but part of me wonders if I should have introduced formula at some point and had it there as an option. It would probably have been a lot less stressful. After a while, I had gone so long without introducing formula, that it seemed like it would be more stressful to try to get her to take it than to just keep on feeding her breast milk, whatever I had to do to keep making it. Also, when we found out Allie had the milk allergy that confirmed it for me that I would breastfeed as long as I could since she could only have certain formula without milk proteins anyway. I am glad for that reason we didn't give her formula, because she would have been allergic to most kinds. Anyway, we've gotten through it and it's been totally worth it. That's just been my experience, I totally respect a mother's choice and ability to do what they have to do to feed her child.
I still am happy with my choice to go back to work, most days. I miss Allie all the time, but I like having work in my life as well. I feel like Allie is doing well at daycare. I like that she has that social interaction and that they keep her on a schedule, and I feel like she enjoys it. I don't know if any mother is ever 100% sure of the decision to work or stay home, but I feel pretty good about where we are. It is definitely a lot to work and be a mom though.
I've enjoyed watching Allie grow and it's amazing how far she's come in a year, from the tiny baby that could barely move on her own, to one that is almost walking on her own now (10 steps is probably her record!). I can't wait to see how this next year goes! Hopefully I'll be posting more of a formal one year update on Allie next!
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| No need to change out of pajamas! SNOW DAY! And yes, she's wearing boys pajamas because they have planes on them! |
Allie will be a YEAR OLD tomorrow! Unbelievable... I've done little but catalog the first year of my baby's life on the blog for almost the last year. It makes sense since she's basically become my whole world and almost nothing in my life is the same as it used to be before she arrived. Still, this used to be a blog about me, so I thought I should maybe catch up on some of what's gone on for me this year. The lack of posts are pretty pathetic and I've thought more than once about stopping blogging altogether. I still read other blogs a lot (pretty much all I do when pumping), but when I try to wrap my head around writing a post, editing pictures, and using precious time to blog, something else usually wins out. Still, I like having the outlet here if and when I want it.
My first year as a mother has been so crazy. I have never loved another human being like I love Allie. It reminds me of the symbiotic relationship between E.T. and Elliot. I feel like I hurt when she hurts. If she is happy, I am happy. Her smile makes me instantly smile. As probably any mother will attest to, it's hard to describe this love. It's actually scary, because it's the kind of love you really fear losing and you know that you would suffer extreme pain if anything were to happen to this creature you are completely absorbed with. It makes me feel like I can't breathe to even think about it.
Changing your identity to a mother means it's not about you anymore. I always knew that and I thought I was prepared for it, but it has still been a huge change. Before I had Allie, I had so much free time to watch trashy TV, to go to trendy restaurants, to tie up my running shoes and hit the pavement, to clean my house, to snuggle my dog, to go to Target without a second thought, to blog... Now all of those things are difficult to do, and require thought and planning. They are all "big events" to me now and after thirty some odd years of doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it, it's been weird to give up all that freedom. Still, I know my life has so much more meaning now and part of me thrives on life being so busy.
At some point I did get the hang of planning better around Allie's sleep, which helps me to feel like I have a better handle on everything else in my life (except the blog- ha!). I guess when she became slightly more predictable sleeping at night and during naps I was able to snap out of it and tackle my long long list of things to do, which includes stuff like reading and watching TV, but also a lot of cleaning, laundry, and washing bottles. It's really taken me all year to get a good balance though and I still wouldn't say I've completely figured it out. In an ideal world I would have a lot more time to run, blog, watch Parenthood, organize my closet, and go out more. I do some of these things sometimes, but most of them I do with no regularity at all. I haven't run since Thanksgiving, which is ridiculous, I know. It's just THAT hard for me to find the time to do it and it's so much less of a priority now. I fit things in when I have an hour to spare, if it happens to be what I feel like doing in the hour that I have, or they fall by the wayside and I use the hour to fold Allie's laundry and shower (more often than not). It's just reality.
Another thing I haven't talked about, but I do want to share for the sake of others that might be experiencing it, is that having a baby has been hard on my marriage. A lot of people talk about how seeing their husband become a father makes their heart explode with love for him, and I do agree, it's an awesome thing and pretty overwhelming to feel your love grow when you add a person the two of you made. Still, after that initial swell of pride and fuzzy feelings of love, came a lot of stress for us. I've always said that any person you choose to marry has flaws and you are deciding whether you can live with those flaws or not. I successfully lived with my husband's flaws for eleven years before we had Allie. We went through furlough, miscarriages, and many other stressful events, and I thought having a baby would be the least of our troubles, more like a dream come true, but babies bring a lot of stress. You lack sleep, your life is totally different, you are responsible for another human being, and you feel like there are so many decisions to be made. We were not always on the same page, and maybe my husband being a pilot exacerbated that because we weren't able to commiserate daily on how to handle things, a lot of it gets differed to me, which makes things weird when he is home and is trying to jump in and be involved. His aforementioned flaws that used to be cute and quirky (I married the slowest person alive), became serious annoyances when things were stressful. It's not just him either, I'm no picnic either. I have a short temper, and when I'm stressed out, I'm basically just cranky. We are kind of polar opposites and while I like to think we usually complement each other, it can be hard when taking care of a baby and things need to be agreed upon. I like things scheduled and he likes to fly by the seat of his pants and throw schedules out the window. That drives me nuts when it comes to Allie because I feel like babies NEED to keep on a schedule, but Greg doesn't, and doesn't get why I'm so rigid about naps, feedings, and bedtime. I was also really consumed by motherhood and still am. At times I really have to force myself to think about being a wife and put effort into cultivating that relationship. It's been a huge adjustment. Around six months in, we decided to do some marriage counseling and I don't know if it was the counseling or just both of us committing to working on things, but things did improve and I think we both have a better handle on it now. Still, this has easily been the hardest year for our marriage. I love my husband and our little family though. I think we're going to survive being parents, but it's taken a lot of getting used to!
What else? Well I'm definitely a helicopter mom. It's funny because with a lot of things in life I am a fairly laid back person, but with my fragile baby, I am like a roll of bubble wrap, constantly hovering around her scared she will fall. And she does fall, a lot, which sort of negates the whole mission of being a helicopter mom! As I said before, I also found out that I like things very scheduled when it comes to Allie. As soon as I pick her up from daycare I read her full report on when she napped, ate, pooped, etc... I want to know it all. I'm quite the control freak!
If you had to ask me what one of my favorite things about the first year has been, I would say breastfeeding. We've made it to year and I have LOVED it. The thought of stopping makes me cry, and honestly, I thought when we got to a year, I'd be well on my way to weaning, but I can't even bring myself to stop pumping this week because I also just like knowing she's having my milk when she is away from me. I feel like it connects us. I just can't even describe the overwhelming love I feel for my daughter when I am feeding her and she is snuggled up against me. I love sniffing her hair, stroking her cheek, and squeezing her foot. It's beyond special to me and I am not sure when I will wean her, but basically I have no plan to just yet, which isn't something I would have expected. I know I am very, very lucky to have had such a good experience, but just so you know, breastfeeding hasn't always been easy for me. I have had many days and weeks when I thought my supply was dipping and I was sweating over whether I could pump enough to keep up with demand. It's hard when you have a certain number of ounces you have to have for daycare and you realize you might come up short. I ate lactation cookies, took fenugreek, drank mother's milk tea, doubled my water intake, have eaten too many bowls of oatmeal to count, and ate like a pig to keep up with the demand. I had nights when I couldn't get my boobs to let down and had to feed Allie a bottle of pumped milk. I've dipped into my freezer stash so much that many times I was down to only 2-3 bags of frozen milk and I thought that would be it. I've also declined to do things that I knew would be too difficult because of breastfeeding or pumping. If I had to do it over, I think I would, but part of me wonders if I should have introduced formula at some point and had it there as an option. It would probably have been a lot less stressful. After a while, I had gone so long without introducing formula, that it seemed like it would be more stressful to try to get her to take it than to just keep on feeding her breast milk, whatever I had to do to keep making it. Also, when we found out Allie had the milk allergy that confirmed it for me that I would breastfeed as long as I could since she could only have certain formula without milk proteins anyway. I am glad for that reason we didn't give her formula, because she would have been allergic to most kinds. Anyway, we've gotten through it and it's been totally worth it. That's just been my experience, I totally respect a mother's choice and ability to do what they have to do to feed her child.
I still am happy with my choice to go back to work, most days. I miss Allie all the time, but I like having work in my life as well. I feel like Allie is doing well at daycare. I like that she has that social interaction and that they keep her on a schedule, and I feel like she enjoys it. I don't know if any mother is ever 100% sure of the decision to work or stay home, but I feel pretty good about where we are. It is definitely a lot to work and be a mom though.
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| Us outside earlier today. |
I've enjoyed watching Allie grow and it's amazing how far she's come in a year, from the tiny baby that could barely move on her own, to one that is almost walking on her own now (10 steps is probably her record!). I can't wait to see how this next year goes! Hopefully I'll be posting more of a formal one year update on Allie next!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
From Flip Flops to Heels
So, the time has come. I have ventured back to work. Though initially I was a little peeved about how things worked out with daycare, having to start paying for it a month earlier than we wanted to to guarantee our slot, I now think maybe it was kind of for the best. It allowed Allie and I to transition into it gradually, and I never really had to go through that awful first day that so many people talk about where you drop the baby off, leave for an entire day, and just cry. It really has been baby steps for us, leaving her only a few hours at a time at first and slowly building the time up to a full day. I've really had the chance to get used to the idea.
I also have an awesome boss that allowed me to take all this time off and then also agreed to let me start back at work part time for two weeks before going back full time. I did a bunch of half days where I dropped her off at daycare in the morning, then picked her up at lunchtime and still got to spend the afternoon with her, which was really great.
I think it helped that we're now at five and a half months and that I did get to have so much maternity leave to spend with Allie. I have loved every second of being with her and know I am SO LUCKY that I had the chance to have all this time with her, because most working moms don't get this much maternity leave. It's been so awesome to have this extended time to bond with Allie, watch her grow, play and cuddle every day, and just enjoy the time together. At the same time, I like the idea of her socializing with other babies and people at daycare. I think she's been particularly dependent on me, since Greg is away so much, and I want her to be comfortable with other care givers, so I think daycare can be good for her. I'll admit it again too- I always saw myself going back to work. While I AM torn about it, and know there is a part of me that would love to be with her all day every day, there is another part of me that wants to work to keep that part of my life going. I like the work I do, the people I work with, and work has always been a pretty big part of my identity, so at this point I don't want to completely give that up and I it feels okay that I am back at work at this point. I really can't imagine going back much sooner though, so I'm glad I got to be out this long.
In case you are wondering, my work doesn't give me any free paid maternity leave- I used a combo of my own sick leave, annual leave, and FMLA (unpaid), which basically meant I got paid every two weeks while out but it was about half of what a normal paycheck for me looks like and I used a lot of sick and annual leave. Using leave was actually fine with me, because I had accrued a ton of leave in my years of working and wanted to use it for this very purpose. I've always kind of hoarded my leave, thinking I might use it for maternity leave some day. I was also lucky that the lack of pay for the days I took unpaid leave also wasn't an issue because Greg makes a ton more than he used to under the new airline contract he just got (excellent timing).
Breastfeeding/pumping is going well so far. My Ameda pump (which I got free through insurance), came with a handle black travel bag, and I just pack it up with my parts and bottles every day. I have only done a couple full days so far, but on those days I pumped for times, twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon, and got about 15 oz total. I also pump at home before bed at night, so between the work sessions and the night one, I usually get enough for the next day for daycare. If for some reason I don't, I dip into my freezer stash, which is huge (pretty much a whole shelf in our freezer). I've been leaving four 4 oz. Dr. Brown bottles for a full day of daycare, and actually, that's more than enough. Allie usually only ends up eating three of the four at daycare. I think it's because when I have her and breastfeed, she eats close to every two hours, but doesn't usually eat 4 oz- probably more like 3 oz or less since it's more frequent. At daycare they go a little longer, like three hours, between feedings and then she eats more. It's good because that ensures that she finishes the bottle and that they don't have to keep trying to get her to eat. It is sort of annoying that she usually doesn't eat one bottle, but it's good to have more than enough than not enough. I don't want to waste it, so what I've been doing is usually getting home and feeding her the extra bottle, and then breastfeeding her a couple hours later before she goes bed, because I can usually only get two feedings in from the time we get home to before she goes to bed.
As for how pumping at work is logistically? I am lucky to have a private office, a mini fridge, and a microwave, plus a kitchen with a sink down the hall, which make it all fairly easy. When I'm ready to pump, I just close my door (it is locked from the outside), and pump. It takes me about 10 minutes and I'm getting good at actually working while pumping. What I've been doing is pumping one time, then putting each assembled flange/bottle in a ziplock bag in my fridge. Then I reconnect them to the pump again for the second session. After that one, I disconnect the bottles, put caps on them, and store them, then take the flanges and parts down the hall to the kitchen to wash them (I keep some Seventh Generation soap there). Then I put them in a Medela steam bag with 2 oz water, carry them back to the office and microwave them to sterilize them. I do the same thing for the afternoon sessions. I also bring a cooler bag with an ice pack to transport the pumped milk home in. At home I have a dishwasher and a big Babies R Us bottle/part sterilizer, so I use one or the other on Allie's bottles and my other pump parts. I feel like I'm getting used to it. I have eight 4 oz bottles, and a bunch more of the pump bottles, and an extra set of flanges and parts, so I just kind of keep rotating through everything. Breastfeeding is much easier than dealing with the pump and bottles, but I'm glad that pumping seems to be going well so far so that I can continue to give Allie breast milk. When I'm not working, I pretty much avoid pumping and bottles as much as I can.
I'm getting used to wearing heels again for the first time in a long time. I was so swollen at the end of pregnancy, I wasn't wearing heels much the last couple months and have barely worn heels at all since having Allie. My normal mom wardrobe has been t-shirts and shorts with flip flops for the past couple months (and jeans and t-shirts before it got hot). I actually sought out some shorter pants so that I can wear flats to work more, because I have gotten so used to not wearing heels! Another consideration is breast pump-friendly attire. I have a couple cute dresses that zip up the back, and haven't worn them to work yet, because I feel like it's going to be a huge pain to unzip and take them half off to pump. I gravitate towards "mom friendly" or well pump-friendly outfits now :)
Work is going pretty good. I literally had 700 emails in my inbox when I got back, but luckily a lot were stuff from months ago advising of outages that already happened, old news letters, and events that have already passed, so I was able to weed through a delete a lot. I have an awesome back up person and she did a great job of keeping things up to date so the first few days weren't too terribly overwhelming. However, as I've been back longer and people have figured out I am back, the flood gates have sort of opened, and I am definitely pretty busy. My boss has also mentioned some projects he's been waiting on til I got back, so I know I have some big stuff coming up. On one hand it feels like I never left, but on the other, it's weird to be back after so long. There's new faces of new people that have come in since I have been out and changes to some of our systems that I'm getting used to. For the most part, it's the same old thing though, and I've been pleasantly surprised that I haven't forgotten how to do my job and can jump back in.
I will say that just as I suspected, there are not enough hours in the day with Allie on the days that I work. I get a little time with her in the morning when we're getting ready, but usually not more than about an hour from when she's awake til we leave. When I pick her up after work, she usually smiles when I walk in and as soon as I get her home and out of the car seat, the clock is ticking and I'm cuddling and playing with her for the two to three short hours I have with her before she goes to bed. BUT, the good news is that I appreciate that time all the more. It used to be that after a long day with her I would sometimes be watching the clock waiting for her bedtime because it had been such a long day. Now I feel like I watch the clock because I only have a certain amount of time with her and I don't want it to end. I can tell I am holding her a snuggling her longer and soaking the seconds I can spend with her. Those hours of the day that I do get to spend with her are so special.
I think being a working mother is working for us so far. As a mother, I don't know that you're ever completely satisfied one way or the other- at home or at work, but this feels right to me for now. I'm getting used to our new normal, and I think Allie is too.
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| Allie at daycare for "water day", chillin in the kiddie pool. |
I also have an awesome boss that allowed me to take all this time off and then also agreed to let me start back at work part time for two weeks before going back full time. I did a bunch of half days where I dropped her off at daycare in the morning, then picked her up at lunchtime and still got to spend the afternoon with her, which was really great.
I think it helped that we're now at five and a half months and that I did get to have so much maternity leave to spend with Allie. I have loved every second of being with her and know I am SO LUCKY that I had the chance to have all this time with her, because most working moms don't get this much maternity leave. It's been so awesome to have this extended time to bond with Allie, watch her grow, play and cuddle every day, and just enjoy the time together. At the same time, I like the idea of her socializing with other babies and people at daycare. I think she's been particularly dependent on me, since Greg is away so much, and I want her to be comfortable with other care givers, so I think daycare can be good for her. I'll admit it again too- I always saw myself going back to work. While I AM torn about it, and know there is a part of me that would love to be with her all day every day, there is another part of me that wants to work to keep that part of my life going. I like the work I do, the people I work with, and work has always been a pretty big part of my identity, so at this point I don't want to completely give that up and I it feels okay that I am back at work at this point. I really can't imagine going back much sooner though, so I'm glad I got to be out this long.
In case you are wondering, my work doesn't give me any free paid maternity leave- I used a combo of my own sick leave, annual leave, and FMLA (unpaid), which basically meant I got paid every two weeks while out but it was about half of what a normal paycheck for me looks like and I used a lot of sick and annual leave. Using leave was actually fine with me, because I had accrued a ton of leave in my years of working and wanted to use it for this very purpose. I've always kind of hoarded my leave, thinking I might use it for maternity leave some day. I was also lucky that the lack of pay for the days I took unpaid leave also wasn't an issue because Greg makes a ton more than he used to under the new airline contract he just got (excellent timing).
Breastfeeding/pumping is going well so far. My Ameda pump (which I got free through insurance), came with a handle black travel bag, and I just pack it up with my parts and bottles every day. I have only done a couple full days so far, but on those days I pumped for times, twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon, and got about 15 oz total. I also pump at home before bed at night, so between the work sessions and the night one, I usually get enough for the next day for daycare. If for some reason I don't, I dip into my freezer stash, which is huge (pretty much a whole shelf in our freezer). I've been leaving four 4 oz. Dr. Brown bottles for a full day of daycare, and actually, that's more than enough. Allie usually only ends up eating three of the four at daycare. I think it's because when I have her and breastfeed, she eats close to every two hours, but doesn't usually eat 4 oz- probably more like 3 oz or less since it's more frequent. At daycare they go a little longer, like three hours, between feedings and then she eats more. It's good because that ensures that she finishes the bottle and that they don't have to keep trying to get her to eat. It is sort of annoying that she usually doesn't eat one bottle, but it's good to have more than enough than not enough. I don't want to waste it, so what I've been doing is usually getting home and feeding her the extra bottle, and then breastfeeding her a couple hours later before she goes bed, because I can usually only get two feedings in from the time we get home to before she goes to bed.
As for how pumping at work is logistically? I am lucky to have a private office, a mini fridge, and a microwave, plus a kitchen with a sink down the hall, which make it all fairly easy. When I'm ready to pump, I just close my door (it is locked from the outside), and pump. It takes me about 10 minutes and I'm getting good at actually working while pumping. What I've been doing is pumping one time, then putting each assembled flange/bottle in a ziplock bag in my fridge. Then I reconnect them to the pump again for the second session. After that one, I disconnect the bottles, put caps on them, and store them, then take the flanges and parts down the hall to the kitchen to wash them (I keep some Seventh Generation soap there). Then I put them in a Medela steam bag with 2 oz water, carry them back to the office and microwave them to sterilize them. I do the same thing for the afternoon sessions. I also bring a cooler bag with an ice pack to transport the pumped milk home in. At home I have a dishwasher and a big Babies R Us bottle/part sterilizer, so I use one or the other on Allie's bottles and my other pump parts. I feel like I'm getting used to it. I have eight 4 oz bottles, and a bunch more of the pump bottles, and an extra set of flanges and parts, so I just kind of keep rotating through everything. Breastfeeding is much easier than dealing with the pump and bottles, but I'm glad that pumping seems to be going well so far so that I can continue to give Allie breast milk. When I'm not working, I pretty much avoid pumping and bottles as much as I can.
I'm getting used to wearing heels again for the first time in a long time. I was so swollen at the end of pregnancy, I wasn't wearing heels much the last couple months and have barely worn heels at all since having Allie. My normal mom wardrobe has been t-shirts and shorts with flip flops for the past couple months (and jeans and t-shirts before it got hot). I actually sought out some shorter pants so that I can wear flats to work more, because I have gotten so used to not wearing heels! Another consideration is breast pump-friendly attire. I have a couple cute dresses that zip up the back, and haven't worn them to work yet, because I feel like it's going to be a huge pain to unzip and take them half off to pump. I gravitate towards "mom friendly" or well pump-friendly outfits now :)
Work is going pretty good. I literally had 700 emails in my inbox when I got back, but luckily a lot were stuff from months ago advising of outages that already happened, old news letters, and events that have already passed, so I was able to weed through a delete a lot. I have an awesome back up person and she did a great job of keeping things up to date so the first few days weren't too terribly overwhelming. However, as I've been back longer and people have figured out I am back, the flood gates have sort of opened, and I am definitely pretty busy. My boss has also mentioned some projects he's been waiting on til I got back, so I know I have some big stuff coming up. On one hand it feels like I never left, but on the other, it's weird to be back after so long. There's new faces of new people that have come in since I have been out and changes to some of our systems that I'm getting used to. For the most part, it's the same old thing though, and I've been pleasantly surprised that I haven't forgotten how to do my job and can jump back in.
I will say that just as I suspected, there are not enough hours in the day with Allie on the days that I work. I get a little time with her in the morning when we're getting ready, but usually not more than about an hour from when she's awake til we leave. When I pick her up after work, she usually smiles when I walk in and as soon as I get her home and out of the car seat, the clock is ticking and I'm cuddling and playing with her for the two to three short hours I have with her before she goes to bed. BUT, the good news is that I appreciate that time all the more. It used to be that after a long day with her I would sometimes be watching the clock waiting for her bedtime because it had been such a long day. Now I feel like I watch the clock because I only have a certain amount of time with her and I don't want it to end. I can tell I am holding her a snuggling her longer and soaking the seconds I can spend with her. Those hours of the day that I do get to spend with her are so special.
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| Could you die? That lower lip! |
I think being a working mother is working for us so far. As a mother, I don't know that you're ever completely satisfied one way or the other- at home or at work, but this feels right to me for now. I'm getting used to our new normal, and I think Allie is too.
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