Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Messed Up My Wish

I'm still dealing relatively well with my miscarriage, but sometimes thoughts swim in my head about it all.  You know the statement, "Be Careful What You Wish For"?  I sometimes think that about my pregnancy.  I wished to get pregnant for so long.  I wished to get PREGNANT.  Not to get pregnant and have a healthy baby (that second part was supposed to be implied), just to get pregnant. 

Did you ever see that movie Bedazzled with Brendan Fraser?  Maybe not, it's kinda dumb.

Anyway, he makes a deal with the devil (Elizabeth Hurley) to sell his soul for some wishes.  The problem is that he'd say, "I want to be rich", and she'd make him rich, but also a cartel drug dealer jerk with a cheating wife and a bunch of people that want to kill him.  Not exactly what he had in mind.  I feel like that's kind of what happened with my wish.  I just wanted to be pregnant so bad that I didn't follow through with the rest of the wish.  I should have said I want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, even though like I said, I thought that part was implied.

As far as coping goes, I think I'm doing pretty good.  I can talk about the miscarriage, or babies/pregnancy in general, without bursting in to tears.  I kind of feel like I went back to my old, pre-pregnancy self.  I think I've spent so much of my life not pregnant, that it feels more normal to me to not be pregnant than to be pregnant.  I actually feel kind of guilty that I don't feel worse about it all.  Is it weird that I haven't crawled into bed for a month unable to move?  I feel like I should feel worse...

As far as my specific case, I think it also helped in a way that we never saw a heartbeat, and got really attached to the idea that a real live baby was growing inside me.  I knew pretty early on that things were up in the air as far as whether we'd actually have a successful pregnancy or not, so I was preparing fairly early on for things to take a turn for the worse if it came to that.

Still, as well as I'm doing, I have moments when I get sad and disappointed about it.  I've been gravitating towards sad-ish music on my playlists lately, and spend time in the car thinking about it when I'm alone.  I went for a run today and that actually dredged up quite a bit of thought on everything, because running is so introspective when you do it alone. 

I had my follow-up doctor's appointment this week and the doctor (the same one that did my surgery) was great, as usual.  He gave me his "pep talk" on trying again and encouraged me to.  I actually don't need a pep talk though.  I definitely plan to try again.  I think part of why I'm not sitting around sad all the time is that I'm more determined than sad as the underlying emotion towards trying to have a baby.  I just hope our second time around goes better than this time. 

The hard part about trying again is not knowing what went wrong the first time.  I guess there really is no explanation.  The doctor said it I had pregnancy tissue, but that he couldn't tell what went wrong.  I'm just hoping my body was all confused since it was my first time and is now like, "Ohhhhhh, that's what you were trying to do!  Okay, got it now.  Let's do this!"  After all, I waited almost 33 years to get pregnant, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that my body didn't know what to do right away.  It's not like everyone can just get on a bike and ride...

I've talked to quite a few people about the miscarriage.  I would say that more people have told me that they, or their wife- if it's a guy, have had a miscarriage than not, which I guess is sort of surprising to hear how common it is.  Yesterday I told two guys at work that knew I was pregnant and they both immediately said they've been through it (they both went on to have 2-4 kids each).  I've been finding this is the case with so many people I've talked to, and though it's a sad topic, there definitely is comfort in knowing I'm not alone, and better still, that people are still successful at conceiving again and having babies even after a miscarriage.  That's really, really good news.

The sad part in talking with other people who have been through it is hearing how hard it's been for some of them. 

Like I said, I feel like I've coped relatively well.  I haven't lost my determination (I'm a stubborn Taurus after all) to get pregnant again, and this isn't something that's going to keep me on the sidelines.  I am planning to get back out there and try when we can (in two cycles if you are wondering).  For me, keeping busy, being social, and trying find myself again has helped me more than laying in bed with the covers pulled up hiding from it all.  Talking about it and blogging about it has helped lots too. 

I think the other thing that's been hard for me to accept was that I had this huge hunch that I would be a pregnancy rock star.  I don't think I'm exceptional at a ton of things (even though I know I'm good at a lot of things), but I just thought I would ROCK at being pregnant and carrying a baby to term and would soar through it with flying colors and no issues, and letting that go has been hard for me.  I just figured that I was healthy, a good weight for pregnancy, and I had great genes to be great at being pregnant from my mom.  To have the whole thing crash and burn so miserably was a huge disappointment when I'd pictured it going so well for so long.  It's been pretty humbling that I didn't get pregnant right away and that I couldn't carry the first pregnancy to term. 

So that's where I'm at on everything.  Still determined, still pretty hopeful, and just trying to keep trucking along with this journey while I'm back in my holding pattern...


Kate said...

Wonderful post Brittney. It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude. I think the thing is to let yourself feel however you feel, and to do your best not to let this sad experience cast a shadow over your next BFP :)
I agree with you on the way we wish (although I don't think it explains the outcome- there is no evil Liz Hurley devil in real life...). When I got a positive test, I was excited and then it suddenly sunk in that "this might not stay real". Even though things are OK so far, that was a devastating realisation. I'd known the stats, and read about m/c beforehand, but never thought to imagine that 2 pink lines might not result in cute chubby baby before. But FX it will and that your next second pink line will be a May/June 2012 (?) bundle of joy :)

alison said...

I think you are doing fantasic. This is a great post. So many of us have gone through this but we tend not to talk about it. By sharing your story, a lot of women will know they are not alone.
I don't beleive everything happens for a reason, sometimes things happen and and it's not fair and it's frustrating but we learn about ourselves.
And we both have the same "thrilled" running face :)

Katie @ Legally Fit said...

I love this post, Brittney. I don't think it's weird that you haven't been laying in bed for a month. Everyone copes differently and your outlook and determination is a wonderful strength to have. I was shocked to learn how common miscarriages really are. My good friend had one (she's now 20 weeks along after trying again:) ) along with my co-worker and a significant number of her friends (who all went on to have children afterwards). It isn't fair but there is definitely hope. Your miscarriage doesn't make you any less of a pregnancy rockstar- you will be rocking it before you know it :) <3

Katy (The Singing Runner) said...

Brittney, I am just now catching up on my blog reading and just now read about the miscarriage. I want to you know that I am thinking of you and your husband.
You are being so strong through this and I have faith that you will bring a beautiful bundle of joy into the world. :) Keep the faith! :)

Ashley said...

Awww Brittney, it's so sad to read stories of miscarriage! Like you said, it's a pretty common thing.

I personally know, and have lots of friends who know someone, who has struggled with getting pregnant and delivering a healthy baby. It's amazing how common it is, but it's really difficult for some people to talk about.

Your honesty, through these posts, will help you and anyone dealing with this to move past a miscarriage. Everyone deals with grief differently, and it's nice to see that you're not going to let a miscarriage keep you from trying again.

Holding patterns aren't all bad, especially if they help everyone land safely eventually! You'll get there. (:

Null said...

You've been in my thoughts Brit. You've maintained such a good attitude. Keep looking forward. So many great things have happended for you and Greg in the past year, you'll have a another happy ending for this chapter soon as well.

Brittany (A Healthy Slice of Life) said...

You didn't mess up a wish. Like you said, it's so much more common than people know. I know more than a handful of people that have had miscarriages, and I think it's so helpful that people talk about it so everyone realizes how common it is. I actually was surprised when I didn't have one and ended up feeling guilty because I waited so long to get attached because I truly thought it wouldn't 'stick'. Some days i still get nervous, but I hear that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life- it's called motherhood. You're positive attitude is inspiring and I'll be thinking of you and following along your journey as you become a rock star pregnant lady, and mom :)

Lindsay said...

I absolutely love your attitude, Brittney! So glad that you're doing relatively well and that you're up for getting right back to the craziness of TTC. :)

It's definitely crazy how common pregnancy loss is - it seems like such a taboo topic that everyone stays hush-hush about, but when you go through it, it turns out that there are tons and tons of others who, unfortunately, have gone through it, too. Like you said, though, it's so encouraging to hear there stories and see that they now have beautiful, healthy children.

You are most definitely going to be a pregnancy rock star soon!! <3


Lindsay said...

So, I just left this three paragraph comment telling you how I loved your attitude and relentlessness, how it's crazy that pregnancy loss is so common and it's encouraging to see those that have went through a loss go on to have healthy, beautiful children, etc. BUT... then I hit "submit" and it didn't work and I lost everything, lol.

Anyway, so glad that you're doing well and are ready to start TTC when you're all cleared to do so. And you ARE going to be a pregnancy rock star one of these days, girl. :)


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