Friday, October 14, 2011

A Low Point

Yesterday was a really rough day for me for some reason.  I actually cried a couple times at work which is very unlike me.  Luckily my office is kind of remote so no one saw me.  I'm just at a really low place with everything right now and trying to get pregnant.  I should feel hopeful since we actually had a couple chances to try at right around the right time this month, but I learned a long time ago that hope is a tough thing when months keep ticking by and you're still not pregnant.  I never thought 10 months ago that this would consume my mind and my life the way it has.  It's just so so hard...



I'm sorry if my blog has recently taken a turn into depressed-ville.  I really wish I could stay upbeat and positive, but I'm just having a hard time right now. 

I was saying to my friend the other day that I miss the old me.  A year ago I was entrenched in training for races, healthy living, and much more optimistic about the future when we found out Greg was getting recalled.  I knew that we were going to have the chance to try to conceive when he went back to his main airline, which we hadn't felt like we could do when he was furloughed because of the instability.  I remember thinking about the fact that we were going to get to try soon while running my marathon in January and it making me smile like crazy to know that we were going to start trying in a matter of days.  I couldn't wait.



I feel like that hope and optimism has been stolen from me.  Month after month wanting a baby and not getting pregnant and then getting pregnant only to find out things were dicey and then ultimately not viable...  It's just been a really long year, and not a really good year for me.  Things just didn't go the way I'd hoped or planned at all.

I really just don't know how to be happy right now.  I know it's irrational and that I have a good life with my husband and cute dog,, a nice house, a good job, plenty to be thankful for, and I am, but I just feel like I don't know how to not want a baby anymore now that it's in my line of sight.  It's just so difficult to make it happen with my husband's career and life style.  I am so jealous of women who have a husband home every night and the opportunity to try with them whenever they want.  I just can't fathom it now that I've spent time following my husband around the country, waiting for him to come home, and basically doing everything I can to try and make this happen, but never feeling like it's enough.  Sure, we tried a bunch last week and this week, but what about the three days before I ovulated when he was away and we didn't get to try?  Was that our window and did we miss it?

I'm driving myself nuts, I know.  I know I need to live my life and not let this continue to consume me, but I'm not sure how.  I have never wanted something so much or felt like anything was more difficult to acheive than this.  I'd train for and run a hundred marathons and say it was easier than trying to get pregnant.  I think it's really about the control, or lack of it that I have in this situation.  I just don't know how relax and leave this up to fate.  I have way to much fear that it'll never happen if I do that, since we have such a problem with Greg being away.  I feel like I have to be proactive, think about it, and concious of it or we don't have a chance.

Anyway, I'll be ok.  I know I will, and I know I'll get back up, dust myself off, and keep on trucking along.  I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter.  I have to keep fighting for what I want.

19 comments:

Cindi O said...

This just breaks my heart! I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I know I never have the right things to say - but you know I'm always here to listen. xx

Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point said...

hugs <3

wendiw80 said...

I don't know if anyone has suggested this or if you've already tried, but my friend did the Fertility Awareness Method and it helped her get pregnant pretty quickly. I'm not sure the ins and outs of it, but there is a book discussing the details and how to know when you're ovulating and when to try to conceive.

I have no experience with this as I haven't tried to get pregnant yet but I feel for you. I've had lots of friends that have tried and miscarried several times. Some did end up getting pregnant (two of the with twins!!) and some ended up adopting but both are happy!! So I know it will work out!!!

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy your blog(I'm a pilot wife too-I think my hubs used to work at your hubs current airline from what ive read about where he's based-but I can't be SURE. :)


I hope this is your month! Fingers crossed for you two!

Erin @ The Grass Skirt said...

This breaks my heart. :( You don't have anything to apologize for. You cannot help the way you feel. I already told you, but I'll say it again, I am always here if you need me! Love you bunches.

Suzy said...

We're TTC too and having difficulty. I was thinking the same thing this morning, it's all about having that control. I always want to be in control because I want to feel prepared. Not knowing when you'll get pregnant is so frustrating. It's like you can't really plan things because "you might get pregnant." I'm super jealous that my husband is training for a marathon and I can't because I might get pregnant.

Even though you first chose you blog name because of what you were going through in the past...trying to get pregnant is having life in a holding pattern.

Runblondie26 said...

I'm sorry Brit :( I hope this is your month. I'd be feeling optimistic with your timing.

I was wondering why you were driving back form Houston. Now it makes sense. The coincidence is pretty incredible that Melissa married a pilot too. I hope we can meet-up at some point too!

Jen said...

This does suck and it's NOT fair. I really hope this month is it for you though! :)

YUMMommy said...

I agree that it's hard to leave things like this up to fate. But you all just have to keep trying and not give up. I've shared this before but it was three years before my husband and I got pregnant.

It's frustrating because you hear about women who've gotten pregnant on like the first try almost. But I knew God had a plan for us and he has one for you all too. I will keep you all in prayer and pray He speeds up your journey to motherhood.

Whit said...

Brittney,

I don't really know you well, but the times I have met you, you seem to be a naturally joyful person. This breaks my heart, and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hopeless it can feel to not have control of your emotions and feelings, and I hate seeing someone else having to struggle with that. I've never dealt with the issues you are dealing with now, but I just felt led to let you know that I care. I'm sorry your going through this.

Liz @ runbakerace said...

I wish I could give you a hug :). Cyberhug instead! I hope this is your month and when I got pregnant this time I thought we missed our chance. The husband was super busy at getting home so late from work. We didnt' have a chance to TTC till after I ovulated and it worked. Fingers crossed :)

Lindsay {Designer Wife} said...

Girl, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry you've hit a low point - I know those all too well. The good news is, you're right, you WILL bounce back and find a happy place again, I promise. You may not ever be the same person you were before the loss, before fertility issues... but you'll definitely be happy again.

"In the end, it'll all be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

Get together soon? We can drink wine and dig ourselves out of low places. <3

Linds

Pure2raw twins said...

thinking of you!!

HUGS

Kate the Great said...

I'm sorry dear! Nobody reasonable would blame you for feeling the way you do. I wish you many blessings!

Molly said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling low, hang in there. just try to pamper yourself a bit, relax, and just chill. Hoping for the best for you!

Joanna said...

I am so sorry you are having down moment.

Like Runblondie26 said, I am optomistic for you too! When we conceived Ben I was in the 2WW and had a total breadown. Steve was on a trip during the time I thought I would be o'ing, and I thought we missed the window. I was crying hysterically, and just couldn't get a grip. Low and behold I POAS a couple days after the breakdown and it was +. I had zero, and I mean zero, symptoms before I POAS so I was shocked.

I have a friend that took 8 months to conceive their first. In hindsight, she says that it just took 8 months for them to get their Marissa. She is a super great kid, and was worth the wait. Your baby will come...maybe not in your time, but it will happen.

Don't laugh, but due to lack of cable at my mom's house the other weekend I watched about 5 minutes of Joel Olsten. One thing that he said that I really love is "what you think you want is ordinary. What God has in store for you is EXTRAordinary"

Your extraordinary is about it happen!

sarah (SHU) said...

hugs to you too. the frustration made me cry so many times -and it is just so hard. i don't have words of advice other than be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to turn to your friends for support! <3

Sana said...

Have faith that you are doing everything in your control to make this happen. You are not sitting back and just hoping, a baby falls into your lap. This is something that you can be proud of and hold on to. Thinking of you <3

Kelly @foodiefresh said...

I wish I knew the right thing to say to give you hope and make you feel like everything is going to turn out great. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk or just take your mind off of things. I care about you so much and if I can do anything to cheer you up, please let me know and I'll do it. You're going to get through this and I know you're going to have a baby when this is all said and done.

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