Yesterday was a really rough day for me for some reason. I actually cried a couple times at work which is very unlike me. Luckily my office is kind of remote so no one saw me. I'm just at a really low place with everything right now and trying to get pregnant. I should feel hopeful since we actually had a couple chances to try at right around the right time this month, but I learned a long time ago that hope is a tough thing when months keep ticking by and you're still not pregnant. I never thought 10 months ago that this would consume my mind and my life the way it has. It's just so so hard...
I'm sorry if my blog has recently taken a turn into depressed-ville. I really wish I could stay upbeat and positive, but I'm just having a hard time right now.
I was saying to my friend the other day that I miss the old me. A year ago I was entrenched in training for races, healthy living, and much more optimistic about the future when we found out Greg was getting recalled. I knew that we were going to have the chance to try to conceive when he went back to his main airline, which we hadn't felt like we could do when he was furloughed because of the instability. I remember thinking about the fact that we were going to get to try soon while running my marathon in January and it making me smile like crazy to know that we were going to start trying in a matter of days. I couldn't wait.
I feel like that hope and optimism has been stolen from me. Month after month wanting a baby and not getting pregnant and then getting pregnant only to find out things were dicey and then ultimately not viable... It's just been a really long year, and not a really good year for me. Things just didn't go the way I'd hoped or planned at all.
I really just don't know how to be happy right now. I know it's irrational and that I have a good life with my husband and cute dog,, a nice house, a good job, plenty to be thankful for, and I am, but I just feel like I don't know how to not want a baby anymore now that it's in my line of sight. It's just so difficult to make it happen with my husband's career and life style. I am so jealous of women who have a husband home every night and the opportunity to try with them whenever they want. I just can't fathom it now that I've spent time following my husband around the country, waiting for him to come home, and basically doing everything I can to try and make this happen, but never feeling like it's enough. Sure, we tried a bunch last week and this week, but what about the three days before I ovulated when he was away and we didn't get to try? Was that our window and did we miss it?
I'm driving myself nuts, I know. I know I need to live my life and not let this continue to consume me, but I'm not sure how. I have never wanted something so much or felt like anything was more difficult to acheive than this. I'd train for and run a hundred marathons and say it was easier than trying to get pregnant. I think it's really about the control, or lack of it that I have in this situation. I just don't know how relax and leave this up to fate. I have way to much fear that it'll never happen if I do that, since we have such a problem with Greg being away. I feel like I have to be proactive, think about it, and concious of it or we don't have a chance.
Anyway, I'll be ok. I know I will, and I know I'll get back up, dust myself off, and keep on trucking along. I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter. I have to keep fighting for what I want.