Saturday, March 31, 2012

I Think About 17

I mentioned in my last post that I love the new Eric Church song "Springsteen".  The truth is, the song makes me emotional though.  I listen to the lyrics and think about when I was 17.  I was so young and innocent and falling in love for the first time.  I was imagining a real future, not just a "play house" kind of future, but a future where I was married, working, and having children.  It's a simple dream really, the kind that you start having at that age when it becomes apparent that your lack of science skills means you probably won't become an astronaut like you thought dreamed you would in second grade.  It seems like a real, attainable dream.  Hmmm, maybe I should have tried for astronaut.  Right now, that's seeming more attainable than having a baby.  Anyway, at 17, my life was all ahead of me, and I had a tinge of excitement when I thought about it all.  Now, I'm almost in my mid 30's and realize that was half my life ago.  Whoa... 

One of the things that has been the hardest for me about these miscarriages is that life isn't turning out how I thought it would when I had those visions half my life ago.  I kind of thought it would go the way of my parents and that I would maybe get married, wait a year or two, then start a family, probably in my late 20's. That was sort of the timeline I had in my head that stuck with me for a long time.  None of that really happened as planned though.  I waited longer than I wanted to get married (we were together 4.5 years before we did), then we put off having kids because Greg got furloughed, then we spent the last year and then some TTC and miscarrying twice.  In May, we'll have been married for 6 years.  I thought for sure I would be DONE having kids at the age I am, or at least have one by now, when I imagined my future life 17.  I'm kind of mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be like as much as anything else.  Yes, I know I have many of the things I wanted in life, but this specific part of it- the children part, really isn't going how I planned at all.

I'm really having to try and let go of these expectations and dreams that I have had all my life about where I wanted to be and how I wanted things to be at this point in my life and that's hard.  It bothers me every. single. day.  Frankly, I'm kind of angry about it.  I used to say I didn't really have regrets, but I regret that we waited, even if it was for good reason, and honestly, I sometimes resent my husband for making us wait and think we made a huge mistake.  I realize I could have gotten pregnant easily and we would have had our own struggles to make that work at a time when we weren't ready financially and things weren't exactly where we wanted them to be with Greg's career.  But the new reality I am facing where we might not be able to have a baby or that it could now take us years seems way scarier to me than what we might have gone through had we been able to have a baby when we didn't feel quite ready yet.  Even if we'd struggled, at least we would have started the struggle when we were younger.  I regret that we waited and now we're experiencing this difficulty when we are both getting older and feel "the clock" ticking.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I often say, "it is what it is" because it really is the truth.  At this point, there's not Delorean I can climb into and go back to 2006 and tell my newly married self to hurry up and try to conceive a baby.  We didn't do it and now we're having to make decisions based on now. 

My friend Jen, who has known me since I was a year old, is visiting (from NH) right now.  She's my friend I have deep conversations well into the night with, last night being no exception, since we were up til 1am talking about books, religion, family, and of course my struggles TTC.  She talked about things being meant to be, and how someday, if'/when I can have a baby, it will be the child I'm supposed to have and can't imagine life without and maybe for some reason, the timing will end up being better than it would have been had we had one this year.  I'm hopeful that that is the case.  I just hope it's sooner than later.  My heart aches, and I can't still shut the 17 year old voice inside me up that say I should have children by now.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Hideeeee Ho!  (bonus points if you know what that's from)

I was recently tagged by my buddy Erin, so I have a little question/answer thingie to go through for you guys. I'm not sure if this one is actually different from other ones I've done or if I got tagged again, but anyway, I'll do it.  I was also a little confused about whether I was just supposed to answer the questions she posed to us or all of the ones on her post, so you're getting the answers to all of them.  I figured, why not! 

1. What’s one talent that you wish you had? I wish I could play the piano.  I was recently thinking about taking lessons actually. Maybe I will.

2. What’s your favorite drugstore makeup product, and your favorite high end makeup product?  I like the Almay Waterproof mascara.  I have pretty sensitive eyes and wear contacts, so I have a hard time finding something that won't irritate my eyes and this seems to work the best out of what I've tried.  I'm open to non-toxic mascara, but have yet to find a waterproof one.  I really need that waterproof stuff or I find the mascara comes off too easily and I get flakes of it under my eyes and stuff.  Sorry, longest explanation ever.  For high end, I guess Bare Minerals Mineral Veil or Clinique eye liner.  That's about as high end as I get.

3. What’s your favorite thing to blog/vlog about?  Hmm, well, if you read my blog, you can probably tell that I'm kind of all over the place with what I blog about.  It used to bother me that I didn't fit into one niche, but now I actually really enjoy the freedom of having sort of a "lifestyle" blog so I can blog about running, food, social activities, travel, being a pilot's wife, and my struggles trying to have a baby.  I kind of consider this my journal. 

4. What’s your ideal Saturday?  Sleep til about 7-8am.  Snuggle with Clyde and Greg upon waking up.  Head out for a leisurely run in perfect weather.  Maybe go for a walk on the beach (in this fantasy I live near the beach) with both of them.  Lunch outside somewhere.  Something fun outside for the afternoon- maybe a wine festival or something in a park.  A really nice dinner out with friends or home on the deck with Greg.  Home in bed by 10pm, watching South Park with my boys.

5. Fondest childhood memory? Sailing with my family.  We had a little sailboat on a lake near where I grew up in NH (Spofford Lake).  We had a great time going sailing on the weekends in that little boat.

6. If you could only buy one makeup brand for the rest of your life, what would it be?  I guess Bare Minerals, but honestly, I'm not a huge make-up person.  (I think this question was more for Erin!)

7. How would your closest friends describe you?  Hmm.  I don't think it translates that well in my writing, but I'm actually kind of funny/witty in real life.  Also, reliable, loyal, strong (emotionally), and determined.

8. How would a stranger or acquaintance describe you?  Friendly.  I usually introduce myself first if I'm around someone I don't know and start asking them questions.  I like to grill people.  Usually in 10 minutes I know a lot of basic facts about someone.  It's probably the former cop in me...  :)

9. What did you study/are you studying/do you plan to study/wish you studied in college?  My major was Sociology and I had a minor in Criminology.  I don't really regret it.  I found the coursework extremely interesting and I probably wouldn't have done as well in college had I majored in anything else that didn't capture my attention span as well. 

10. What’s the one makeup or beauty product that you can’t seem to get enough of?  Again, I think this one is really for Erin, but I guess I'd actually say lip gloss.  I really like the Victoria's Secret ones.  I have like 2 in each of my purses.  I got a Burt's Bees one that is similar, but it tastes kind of gross, so I admittedly like the VS ones better even though they are probably kind of toxic.

11. What’s the very first thing you do in the morning? Take Clyde out then shower.

Ok, so these are Erin's questions... (ie, the ones I was probably just supposed to answer).

1. If you could only use one beauty product for the rest of your life, what would it be?  See #6 above.

2. What is your favorite song of the moment?  Easy- Eric Church "Springsteen".  I have had it on repeat all day.

3. What blogs are your currently reading?  Check out my side bar, those are most of them.

4. Are you addicted to Pinterest?  No, actually, I'm not.  I sometimes hop on there and Pin stuff, but honestly, I don't have time to do it that often, and I'm not really that creative in terms of home decor, fashion, etc... so I think I don't find it as addicting/appealing as people who do and can visualize creatively.

5. Do you use non-toxic beauty and personal care products?  Yup, Erin has made me see the light.  I pretty much use all non-toxic shampoo/conditioner now (several kinds), hairspray, some make-up, moisturizer, night cream, body wash, etc...  I have some regular stuff too, but more non-toxic stuff than ever before.

6. What’s the last movie that you saw in the theater?  I saw Hunger Games with Sara last night!  It was awesome!

7. If you could raid one celebrity’s closet, whose would it be?  Probably Reese Witherspoon's.  She always looks classy, yet hot, and kind of classic.  That's what I'm going for.

8. What did you have for breakfast this morning?  I had a nectarine with Quaker Oat Squares cereal and milk.  And some green tea.

9. Did you used to play with your mother’s makeup as a child?  Yeah, sometimes.  I didn't put a full face of it on, but I remember trying her Cover Girl compact and lipstick.

10. What is your favorite way to get some exercise?  Running, duh.

11. Are you a cat person or a dog person? DOG, really?  Do you even have to ask??

I'll tag...
I know they read my blog and comment often enough that they'll probably see that I tagged them.  Consider yourself tagged if you want to do it too though!  And you can leave a comment with some/all of the answers too if you want, I'd love to hear them!
Here's my questions:
1.  What's your favorite scent?
2.  What is your go-to favorite recipe (you can link it if you have it on your blog)?
3.  What's your favorite way to relax?
4.  Where's the furthest place you've traveled to?
5.  What was your first job?
6.  Have you ever been to court?  If so, for what?
7.  What's something you do every single day?
8.  Do you like black licorice?
9.  What's your favorite kind of cheese?  Assuming you like cheese...
10.  Can men and women that aren't in a relationship be friends?  (I know, I'm getting all When Harry Met Sally on ya here)
11.  What's a book you recommend that I read?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

At Least I Got A Massage

Hey there!  Where were we?  Oh yeah, I had that fantastic scallop dinner on Saturday night in Hilton Head.  Mmmm :)

Sunday's breakfast was also impressive.  My mom made creme brulee french toast.  I know, awesome right?

I will post her recipe soon.

We also had fruit.

 I also had some coffee with it.

We had to eat and run though, because my mom and I had a spa appointment!  There's a resort called Palmetto Bluff kind of between Hilton Head and Savannah, and it's very fancy and beautiful.  Greg got me a gift card for a massage there for our anniversary last year, that I had yet to use, so I got my mom one for her upcoming birthday and we went together.

I didn't take pictures inside, but it was everything you would expect a gorgeous southern spa to be. 

image from their website
We hit the steam room before our massages, and each had a customized aromatherapy massage.  Mine was geared towards my female issues and runner's legs.  I think my special blend of oils had lavender, rose, and a few other scents in it.  The massage rooms each have a balcony off the back, and my therapist kept our door to the balcony open so that we could enjoy the fresh air and birds chirping.  It was so relaxing and wonderful, definitely one of the best I've had.  Post massage, I met my mom on the relaxation balcony overlooking a small lake, and we each had a lot of water and a complimentary mint julep (I had about half of mine).

After our massages, we drove to the "town" center and parked and walked around.  I have been to Palmetto Bluff before, but it's been a few years.  It was just as beautiful as I remember.

The resort overlooks the May River.

It would be an awesome, albeit expensive place to get married.  The little chapel is so adorable though!

My parents have eaten at the main restaurant and said it was really good, with creative twists on most dishes.

It's actually a combination of resort and residential.  Some people do live there!

Anyway, it's just a beautiful place. 
Supposedly, stays there have been given to Oscar winners or nominees in their goody bags.

We headed back to my parents' house for lunch, which was leftover shrimp on a salad and some fruit on the side.

My parents had a tee time for the afternoon (golf for those who don't speak golf), so Greg and I took Clydester for a walk.

Over near the marina, there's sort of a "dog park" area, where people take their dogs of leash.  We decided to give it a try, and here's some video of Clyde and Greg.  Pay no attention to my voice, I really hate hearing myself talk!

Our walk was followed by some errands and a quick cookout dinner with my parents before hitting the road to head home.  Well trying to head home anyway.  We were promptly hit with this parking lot of traffic on 95 North...

People actually got out of their cars and were walking around for a while.  Thank god for Angry Birds or I probably would have lost my mind!  We didn't get home til about 12:30am, and our original ETA was 10pm, so that really sucked!  Anyway, over all, it was a great day, and another excellent weekend in Hilton Head! 

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Another Hilton Head Adventure

Hi there!  I'm down in Hilton Head for another weekend of fun with the 'rents.  Greg is actually with me for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long.  We headed out yesterday afternoon on the 3ish hour drive from Charlotte. 

Cue pictures of Clyde and I in the car...

We arrived to my mom in a bathing suit telling us to hurry and change into our suits because my dad was up at the pool making sure plantation security didn't lock the pool so we could get a dip in before dinner.  Oh, and we were each handed one of my dad's signature margaritas (1/3 tequila, 1/3 fresh lime juice, 1/3 Cointreau + splash of OJ), which we drink out of water bottles while floating in noodle chairs in the pool.  You know, the usual routine.

After a quick float, we headed back to the house for dinner.  My mom made shrimp francaise, which is basically shrimp in egg wash/flour and sauteed.  Also, pizza (which I had a little slice of), and salad for all of us.

The other part of dinner was wine, that I brought.  A while back I stumbled upon the Weener's Leap Winery.  I don't even remember how I found it.  Probably googling dachshunds and wine.  Everyone does that, right?  Anyway, a winery that has a dachshund that looks just like mine??  YES.

Doesn't he??  That's Clams, not Clyde.  They could be brothers.

Weener's Leap is a boutique winery in Paso Robles, CA and they don't sell their wine in stores, at least not on this coast.  I contacted the owner and he said he'd send me a bottle of wine in exchange for a donation to a dachshund rescue league.  DONE.  He even threw in a poster of their wine labels.  Anyway, the wine (a nice Petite Syrah) sat in the wine rack for a while, waiting for a good chance to drink it.  We decided this was a good weekend to have it, since my parents are such wine nuts.

Everyone agreed, it was the best wine we've had in a while.  It was thoroughly enjoyed.  I might have to bug the owner for another bottle...

Today I got up and ran 3.25 miles around the plantation.  At times I felt slow, at times it felt great.  It was one of those mixed runs.  I enjoyed it though, because Hilton Head is still my favorite place to run.

Breakfast was just some fruit, yogurt, coffee, and some danish.  We kept it simple.  Then it was time for a walk on the beach to give the pup some exercise.

We lucked out and the weather was pretty nice.  Kinda cloudy, but pretty much the perfect temperature.  It's good we went went we did, because some big storms came through later in the afternoon.

Clyde likes the beach more and more every time he goes and has gotten much more adventurous going in the the water and running in the sand.  It's cute to see.

We came across a jelly fish that looked to be freshly washed up...

My mom wanted to find a way to throw him back in!

I guess this was not the jelly fish's lucky day though, since we are not jelly fish rescue people.

After our walk, we headed home, cleaned up, and got lunch at a local Mexican place.  We hit up a tour of homes going on in the area, did some outlet shopping, and had another float up at the pool.

Our last stop of the evening was at Red Fish for a nice dinner.

We had this wine.


I had seared scallops with lobster mac and cheese and asparagus.  Amazing... 
(Excuse my crappy IPhone pic)

I can barely keep my eyes open, so I'm calling it a night.  More to come later on the rest of the weekend.

Monday, March 19, 2012

St. Paddy's and Walks In Parks

My St. Paddy's Day started with a 2.2 mile run.  It was actually kind of hot on Saturday and this run didn't feel that great.  By my training plan I only had to do 2 miles, but I told myself to do more if I felt like it, thinking I'd aim for anywhere between 2 and 3 miles.  Since I wasn't really feeling it, 2.2 became my magic number.  I'll take it.

I then kept an annual tradition alive by meeting my friend Tim at an Irish bar.  I think we've done this every year since we both moved to Charlotte from DC.

Tim is insane about St. Paddy's and usually takes the entire day off (if it falls on a work day) to get the bar when they open.  This year was no exception- he arrived at the bar at about 8:45am.  I met him there around lunchtime, and promptly ordered a Harp and Rueben sandwich.

Tim also brings a laptop to entertain himself since he's there hours before anyone else.
We watched the Irish dancers perform...

And listened to the bagpiper play.

It was a great time.

Later I headed over to Brad and Kelly's place to hang out for the evening.  I brought Clyde and this resulted in lots of doggie snuggling.

After starting my day around 12-1pm, I was done by like 8:30pm, falling asleep in Brad and Kelly's chair, so I called it a night and headed home.

Originally, Greg was supposed to have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off, but we knew that would probably change, because he has certain reserve days that are moveable and these were.  Sure enough, his schedule got changed, and he wasn't off for St. Paddy's, as he we were originally hoping he'd be.  He did get home around noon on Sunday though.

Once Greg got hom and regrouped, we decided to head out and take a walk around some parks in Rock Hill, SC.
First was Cherry Park.

The flowers are in bloom and it really feels like spring all around.

Cherry Park wasn't that exciting.  It's really designed to house sports fields so the trail is just a loop around the outter perimeter, which didn't take us long to walk.

We then drove through more of Rock Hill, and decided to stop and walk again at the Glencairn Garden.  This place was really cool.  It was multi-levels and there were tons of flowers and fountains everywhere.  Really pretty.

We followed the park tour with some mable slab ice cream.  It was a lovely afternoon and a great weekend overall.  How was yours?

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Phat Burrito

Hey, Happy St. Patricks Day!

Last night I met up with Katie for the first time in probably about 6 months.  If you read her blog, you know she's crazy busy and nailing her down was no small feat. 

After going back and forth about what to do, we decided on dinner at Phat Burrito, which is an unassuming, hole-in-the-wall type place, covered with graffiti on the outside, in the South End area of Charlotte.  I actually used to have lunch there sometimes when I worked in uptown, but my office is now on the south side of Charlotte (further south than Phat Burrito), so it's not close for me anymore.

Katie actually had a gift card to use, and she graciously treated me to dinner.  I actually had a froyo credit to use, so the original plan was to have dinner then head over for froyo after, but we were both too stuffed to eat anything else after our meals, so the froyo portion of our date will have to be rescheduled.

We each got a beer and sat outside on the patio, since it was in the low 80's last night.  Awesome :)

I opted for the fish tacos, which were fish with cabbage, rice, and cilantro in a tortilla, and topped with mango salsa.  They were pretty tasty, but two would have been sufficient, I only got part way through number three.

We also ordered guacamole, which was kind of a joke because it was the saddest little cup ever and came with chips that were clearly from a bag.

Katie could not contain her sadness over the tiny guac...

She did like her veggie salad though!

Katie on I caught up on all the stuff going on in our lives, blogger gossip, and what our future plans may hold (hopefully a baby for me and a career for her).  It was a great night to dine outside in the Queen City.  I definitely recommend Phat Burrito, but skip the guac and chips if you go!

I am heading out to enjoy some St. Paddy's festivities soon.  Hope you guys enjoy the day too!

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