Things That May Have Helped This Time

After my second miscarriage, I really had to reevaluate what was going on.  I was no longer willing to chalk it up to a fluke that this had happened to me twice (even though it may have been), so I started to obsessively research and think about things I could do to improve my chances of having a healthy baby.

What frustrated me was I thought I was already living a moderate to healthy life.  Heck, I associate with the Healthy Living Blogger niche.  I know my PB's, avocado, oatmeal, and protein powders better than the average person, right?  I work out, I use a lot of non toxic products, and I'm just conscious in general of things I'm eating, doing, and trying to be pretty healthy.  I am sometimes guilty of choosing less healthy options (hey, I like my ice cream and cupcakes!), but I'm okay with that, because I think that healthy living means everything in moderation, but choosing the healthy options more often, which is what I was doing.

One thing I became more anal about was buying Organic.  I'm not perfect and sometimes the option isn't there for what I'm looking for in my local stores, but if both the Organic and regular option exist, I tried to buy the Organic.

I also quit caffeine.  I hadn't been drinking much in the past year anyway, and it wasn't a big deal to me to stop drinking coffee, tea, and caffeinated soda, just in case.  I switched to water, juice and a few other decaf beverages.  I've pretty much avoided decaf coffee too, because I've heard the caffeine is replaced by other chemicals and I wasn't too crazy about that idea (although this week I did have a decaf mocha coconut frapaccino and it was awesome).

The other thing I did right away after the second miscarriage was to buy some vitamins that are supposed to help with fertility issues, specifically the issue we thought I might have, which was egg quality.

I know a lot of people advise against spending too much time online doing research, but I felt so helpless I just wanted to be doing something that might help us conceive a healthy baby.  Through the forums on Baby Center, I learned about taking CoQ10 and Royal Jelly, which are thought to help egg quality.  I also kept taking the prenatals and added Baby aspirin at the advice of my doctor.  Plus B-12 and B-6.  I don't know if any of it helped, but I was taking all of them for almost exactly 3 months before I successfully got pregnant, which is the length of time it's thought you need to be taking them for them to take effect.

I'd also already been converting my beauty and cleaning supplies to more natural options, but went even further with that.  I actually use quite a bit of hair spray on my fine, fly-away hair and after hunting through Earth Fare, I found a less toxic hair spray option that I really like.  It doesn't leave me breathing in a cloud of smelly toxic stuff.

The other thing was that the month I conceived, I really thought about TTC a lot less than I had in a while.  I felt like I had a good hiatus from TTC for the few months after the miscarriage in March.  I ran more, drank more beer if I felt like it, I focused on me, and just kind of did what I wanted, not thinking that we really had much of a chance of conceiving that month.  I knew the next month was the month we'd planned to start treatment and that month would be different, but May was kind of my do-what-I-want-and-not-think-much-about-TTC month.  I think taking the pressure off myself helped.  As I mentioned before, I didn't really know when I ovulated or focus that much on it when we "tried".  It may have been my least obsessive month in the last year and half of trying.

I also think it helped that I went to the RE.  Even though I never actually received drug treatment, the tests that they ran gave me piece of mind that there wasn't something inherently wrong that was causing our problems.  I had heard that the HSG dye test makes people fertile by cleaning them out, and this may have been the case for me since I had one right before we conceived.  I also liked that the responsibility became shared with the doctors and nurses there, that also took a lot of pressure of it all being on me.  I liked that from early in the pregnancy they had an immediate game plan of putting me on progesterone, administering Beta HCG tests to check the progress of the pregnancy, and early ultrasounds.  I just felt more comfort knowing they knew how to handle a person with a high risk pregnancy and had certain protocol, whereas in the past, I didn't feel like my OB office really handled my kind of situation that well.

I know my husband still believes that it's all just a crap-shoot.  He was never that keen on me visiting the RE and thought all along that it was just a numbers game, that eventually we'd have a healthy pregnancy if we just kept trying.  He may be right, but if one of the things I did made the difference this time, I'm glad I did it.

For Those In The Trenches

Wow, your comments, tweets, and reactions to my news have blown me away.  You guys are awesome, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I didn't really know how to break the news, which is why I have waited.  I have actually had that post in the works for a while, and sort of wrote it/updated it as things went along.  It's not a cute or creative announcement and there's plenty of details I left out, forgot, or didn't include.  Eventually, it just felt like it was time to let you guys know what was going on though.  I just couldn't wait anymore and decided to publish what I had and fill in the rest later.

One thing I didn't talk about enough was what a long road it's been to get here.  I guess I assume you guys know from following my journey.  I want to reach out to those of you who are still struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or just really want a baby and it's not happening right now.  I've thought of you a lot.  It sucks.  I know.  I'm sorry if my news causes you heartache.  I totally get that.  I have been upset, jealous, and angry so many times when I have heard of other people getting their miracles, while I was struggling.  Nothing about infertility is fair, at all.  I have learned that lesson over and over again.  The past year and a half has housed some of the darkest times in my life.  It's isolating in a way that not many people understand.  I was irritable, lonely, sad, angry, and exhausted from fighting the battle of infertility.  I kind of still am.  It definitely changed me.

Like I said in my last post, I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet.  My problem isn't getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant.  I'm further than I've ever been before, but it doesn't guarantee that I'm going to have a baby in the end.  It's still REALLY scary.  Every ultrasound, I'm holding my breath.  I'm constantly wondering if my lack of symptoms means something is wrong.  I question everything I eat, do, etc...  I'm still very paranoid that something could go wrong.  I don't know if this will ever change.

I am hopeful though.  I've learned to be more patient than I ever have been before, and to keep going even when it's just based on blind faith and hope that everything will be okay.  Every slight wave of nausea, spot of acne, and good ultrasound helps me to be more hopeful.  I hope some of you will gain hope from my story.  I think sometimes you have to go through hell to get to the good stuff.  Sometimes I think the miscarriages happened to me so that I will really appreciate my baby when times are tough, Greg is away flying, and I feel like being a mom is the toughest thing ever.  I'll always have that struggle to conceive ingrained in me to remind me how lucky I am to have a baby.

Anyway, to all of you still struggling.  I'm sorry, and please keep hope alive.  Do what you have to do to survive.  For me, going drinking with some of the guys from work helped a lot.  Running helped.  Basically anything that distracted me from all the people around me that were pregnant and had babies.  Sometimes you do need to distance yourself from all things pregnancy and baby.  But don't discount those friends.  Some of my pregnant friends and those with babies were the most understanding and helpful ones.  Just hang in there and try to keep believing you will get there eventually.  I know it's tough!

Third Time's A Charm

So, I'm guessing a lot of you guys have wondered what's going on with my efforts to try to conceive.  If you're like my friends, you probably picked up on the lack of wine and beer appearing in my posts in the past couple months.  Or maybe it was just the lack of posting in general.  If you've been thinking that maybe I was pregnant, you were right!

The day I found out I was pregnant (for the third time) was June 16th, 2012.  I had gone to meet a friend for some shoe shopping and on my way home I was talking to Greg on the phone.  We were actually talking about how I wasn't going to take a home pregnancy test early that month.  I told him I was much calmer this time and just didn't see the point- I would wait and see if I got my period and then go from there.  Well, ten minutes later I was home with a test in my hand, looking at a faint line on the test, so obviously I changed my mind and took a test that day.

To back up, a while back I mentioned that we started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).  Our RE conducted just about every fertility test he could on both of us, looking for reasons why we might have had our two miscarriages.  Really, months of testing never revealed anything new other than the results my OB had found- that I had some undiagnosed possible autoimmune issue, and that our 2nd baby had died due to trisomy 22, the RE never found anything else wrong.  All the new testing the RE performed on us came back clear/normal.  The plan became that he would put me on a drug called Letrozole to help me "superovulate", hoping that I would release a good egg.

As months ticked by, I became pretty anxious to start trying again.  Once we had the results of one of the last tests we needed (Greg's semen analysis), and it was fine, I told the nurse who called me- "Okay, well we are ready to start, what now?"  She said to call when my next cycle started, and I did.  This ended up falling on Memorial Day weekend, so they didn't call me back for days.  By the time they called, the nurse informed me that we had missed the window to start a medicated cycle.  I was pretty devastated that we would have to wait ANOTHER cycle to try.  There was one more test they wanted to do on me- the HSG dye test, in which they inject dye into your uterus and tubes and check for any abnormalities, so we went ahead and scheduled that for the following week.  When I went in for my test, the RE came in and performed the test.  He proclaimed that all looked normal and that I should go ahead and try that cycle.  I was surprised and asked "even without the medication?" and he said "Yes, go ahead and try".

Thinking that we weren't going to try that cycle, I didn't start taking Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) tests early enough that month, so I never really got a positive test and had no idea if or when I even ovulated.  Plus, we were back to our old issues of only being able to try a few days Greg was off around that time, which left us about two tries for that cycle.  So you can see why I didn't have high hopes that I was pregnant- it seemed that it would take a minor miracle for it to happen when timing seemed off, we weren't on meds, and didn't have much opportunity to try.  I even did some hardcore workouts in the two week wait- like CrossFit, which is not like me.

Still, on June 16th, I had a positive pregnancy test in my hand.  And every day the test lines got darker.  I went in for Beta HCG tests and they all doubled as they should.  There was no doubt, I was pregnant again.  My doc put me on progesterone, just as a precaution even though my levels had always tested normal pregnant or not.

I swear, the last test I took was on 7/1.  I know this is excessive!

I had a hunch things felt different this time, but didn't want to get my hopes up too much.  I knew for me, the true test would be the first ultrasound.  I've come to dread ultrasounds after all the awful, disappointing ones I have had over the last year.  It's always, "we're not seeing what we should be at this point" or "there's no heartbeat detected", and I've grown accustomed to seeing my empty looking uterus so many times.  So I wasn't really excited for the first ultrasound.  Really, I tried not to think about the fact that I was pregnant much in the first few weeks.  The less attached I was, the better.

On July 11th (7-11), I had my ultrasound appointment.  There was actually some debate over whether Greg would even be able to come because he had to fly back to Houston that day.  He made it work though, coming with me in his uniform so that he could head to the airport after.  We actually didn't make a back up plan for what we were going to do if it was bad news.  We were called in to the exam room and I knew the drill.  I undressed from the waist down and got up on the table.  We anxiously waited for the doctor to come in.

Finally my doctor came in and inserted the wand and my uterus appeared on the screen.  Right away I thought I saw something resembling a baby, and not only that, I saw a flicker!  My doctor zoomed in and said, "That's your baby, and that's the heartbeat."  I just grinned and kept saying "Oh wow".  I looked a Greg and realized he had tears in his eyes and the nurse had to give him tissues.  We then got to hear the heartbeat 3 times.  The doctor told us it was beating at 144 beats per minute (BPM), which was great for where I was, which was 7 weeks and 1 day, actually two days ahead of where I thought I was!

I couldn't believe it.  We finally had a good ultrasound, everything looked great.  It was surreal!  I was on a high for the rest of the day.  After a few days, unfortunately, the high faded and I was back to worrying.  The thing about me, is I never really have a lot of symptoms when I'm pregnant.  I had some nausea here and there, but it was never consistent.  As days passed after the first ultrasound, I worried more and more that maybe things had taken a turn for the worse.  After all, 7 weeks is still pretty early.

My next ultrasound was scheduled two weeks after the first, on 7/25.  The morning of the appointment, I started to kind of freak out.  I couldn't figure out what to wear and got more and more upset, shedding a few tears.  It was also a rainy day.  I was worried.  We got to the doctor's office and were finally called in.  When my uterus came up on the screen, I could tell the baby looked bigger and I could still see a little flicker of heartbeat.  I still had a live baby in there!  I was so relieved.  The doctor said the baby measured on track for 9 weeks and the heartbeat was 185 BPM.

9 Weeks

My RE released me back to my regular OB, and said everything looks healthy and normal so far.  We're not out of the woods yet, but I am starting to feel more confident that we might actually have a happy ending here.  I'm really hopeful.

I'm now 10 weeks, and feeling pretty good.  I keep forgetting that a lot of people still don't know I'm pregnant, because I've mostly just been telling people I see in person, so I'm sure a lot of you will be surprised at the news, including quite a few of my Charlotte friends.

Anyway, this post is getting extremely long, but I just want to say thank you to all of you who have been following my journey, praying for me, thinking about me, commenting, emailing, Tweeting, texting, and all the support you've given me along the way.  It's meant so much to me.  I will definitely keep you posted on how things are going from here on out.

Results

This week I went to see my OB.  My results from the testing on the baby and my blood tests were all in and it was time to sit down and go over them.  Every time I go to my OB's office, I feel like crying now.  Walking in there always produces waves of emotion as I remember the good and bad visits there during my pregnancies.  It's tough.

The testing on the baby revealed two things. 

1) It was a boy.  I actually knew going in that we would probably find out the sex from this testing.  I've been checking out multiple miscarriage forums for weeks doing research on what might be wrong with me and had seen that others had found out the sex from their testing, even when the fetus was only 6-7 weeks old.  I don't know that finding out really changes the tragedy of the situation, but I do know that I've found myself thinking more about the baby as a boy more since hearing this.

2) The cause of death was Trisomy 22.  Basically, the baby is supposed to have two of the 22nd chromosome and it had an extra one from one of us.  If you clicked on the link, you can see that there are a few versions of this that are not fatal, but ours had the complete trisomy 22, in which every cell in the body had it, which means it was fatal.  If I had somehow managed to carry to term (unlikely), the baby would have died shortly after birth.  Knowing this makes me glad it happened early instead of later in pregnancy or after birth.  I still have a lot of questions about how likely it is that this will occur if I get pregnant again though.

My blood tests were basically all normal except that I tested positive for some kind of autoimmune issue.  Apparently the panel is general, so it didn't say what autoimmune issue I have.  My doctor recommends further testing with a Rheumatologist to see what it is, but said it most likely didn't contribute to this miscarriage, the trisomy is still the cause of death.  I stillneed to get this addressed though so that it doesn't cause problems in the future.

My doc also recommends that both of us get genetic karyotyping done to see which one of us is the carrier of the extra chromosome that caused the trisomy.

After sitting on this information and trying to process it for a couple hours, I decided to make a call to a Reproductive Endocrinologist and make an appointment.  I've been debating doing this for a while.  On one hand, my OB is pretty awesome. I've read stories about OBs that won't perform tests or give certain treatments, and are generally hard to work with when it comes to fertility issues.  Mine is proactive and has been brainstorming ideas, running tests, and coming up with game plans for me.  Still,  I just feel like at this point, I need to talk to an expert on this.  The information I have now is kind of confusing.  I'm a unclear at how likely it is that we will have this trisomy issue again if we try natuarally.  I'm also worried about when/if I do get pregnant again, because I don't feel like my OB's office in general is very proactive about monitoring and testing at the beginning of pregnancy, and I want that next time to make sure people are checking my levels and giving me treatment if I need it instead of doing the standard check ups.  I'm facing the fact that I'm a special case at this point, and I'm probably going to need closer treatment to keep a pregnancy.  I just think an RE can better handle this. 

So that's where I'm at.  I have some more test being run and a pending appointment with an RE to see if they can help me.  I still think conceiving again is a ways off though, because I have to wait a couple cycles and we have a lot to figure out.

I Think About 17

I mentioned in my last post that I love the new Eric Church song "Springsteen".  The truth is, the song makes me emotional though.  I listen to the lyrics and think about when I was 17.  I was so young and innocent and falling in love for the first time.  I was imagining a real future, not just a "play house" kind of future, but a future where I was married, working, and having children.  It's a simple dream really, the kind that you start having at that age when it becomes apparent that your lack of science skills means you probably won't become an astronaut like you thought dreamed you would in second grade.  It seems like a real, attainable dream.  Hmmm, maybe I should have tried for astronaut.  Right now, that's seeming more attainable than having a baby.  Anyway, at 17, my life was all ahead of me, and I had a tinge of excitement when I thought about it all.  Now, I'm almost in my mid 30's and realize that was half my life ago.  Whoa... 

One of the things that has been the hardest for me about these miscarriages is that life isn't turning out how I thought it would when I had those visions half my life ago.  I kind of thought it would go the way of my parents and that I would maybe get married, wait a year or two, then start a family, probably in my late 20's. That was sort of the timeline I had in my head that stuck with me for a long time.  None of that really happened as planned though.  I waited longer than I wanted to get married (we were together 4.5 years before we did), then we put off having kids because Greg got furloughed, then we spent the last year and then some TTC and miscarrying twice.  In May, we'll have been married for 6 years.  I thought for sure I would be DONE having kids at the age I am, or at least have one by now, when I imagined my future life 17.  I'm kind of mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be like as much as anything else.  Yes, I know I have many of the things I wanted in life, but this specific part of it- the children part, really isn't going how I planned at all.

I'm really having to try and let go of these expectations and dreams that I have had all my life about where I wanted to be and how I wanted things to be at this point in my life and that's hard.  It bothers me every. single. day.  Frankly, I'm kind of angry about it.  I used to say I didn't really have regrets, but I regret that we waited, even if it was for good reason, and honestly, I sometimes resent my husband for making us wait and think we made a huge mistake.  I realize I could have gotten pregnant easily and we would have had our own struggles to make that work at a time when we weren't ready financially and things weren't exactly where we wanted them to be with Greg's career.  But the new reality I am facing where we might not be able to have a baby or that it could now take us years seems way scarier to me than what we might have gone through had we been able to have a baby when we didn't feel quite ready yet.  Even if we'd struggled, at least we would have started the struggle when we were younger.  I regret that we waited and now we're experiencing this difficulty when we are both getting older and feel "the clock" ticking.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I often say, "it is what it is" because it really is the truth.  At this point, there's not Delorean I can climb into and go back to 2006 and tell my newly married self to hurry up and try to conceive a baby.  We didn't do it and now we're having to make decisions based on now. 

My friend Jen, who has known me since I was a year old, is visiting (from NH) right now.  She's my friend I have deep conversations well into the night with, last night being no exception, since we were up til 1am talking about books, religion, family, and of course my struggles TTC.  She talked about things being meant to be, and how someday, if'/when I can have a baby, it will be the child I'm supposed to have and can't imagine life without and maybe for some reason, the timing will end up being better than it would have been had we had one this year.  I'm hopeful that that is the case.  I just hope it's sooner than later.  My heart aches, and I can't still shut the 17 year old voice inside me up that say I should have children by now.

Starting From Zero

I just got back from a run.  I think the last run I did was about a month ago, and since I wasn't doing a lot of running before that (I tried running while I was pregnant a couple times and it just didn't feel very comfortable to me), it kind of felt like starting from zero.  I had low expectations and just figured I would get out there and see how I felt, since I'm still less than a week from my D&C surgery, and unfortunately, my recovery from this surgery has felt slower than last time.  I've been a little more tender and crampy.  Still functional, but I just don't want to do any damage by over doing it, you know?

My hope was to run at least a mile- I have to start somewhere.  Luckily I got in 1.53 miles.  It was slow and I felt like I slug, but I did it.  I just wanted to get started on training for the 10K I have my sights set on next month.

My plan for the Racefest 10K is that I don't really have a plan.  Well, I did plug in a Runner's World Smart Coach outline, but I will probably follow it pretty loosely, mainly just worrying about the weekend "long" runs.  I figure during the week I'll do two more runs like the plan calls for, and I can do more than two mid week runs if I feel like it.  I can also do more than two miles if I feel like it, I will just see how I feel and go with it.  I'm also not going to worry too much about pace, since I'm so far out from where I once was.  I will just run at whatever pace is comfortable.  At this point, I know I've been running long enough that I'm pretty confident if I loosely follow this plan, I'll be fine on race day to get in 6.2 miles. 

As for how I'm doing with the aftermath of miscarriage #2...  Well, it changes all the time.  Sometimes I can sort of feel "normal" or just kind of imagine it all never happened.  Daily life continues and for all intensive purposes, I'm just living my life like I usually do- working, hanging out with friends, cooking, playing with Clyde....  But inside there's that sadness, that frustration, and that scar that I'm carrying with me.  I'll be sitting watching TV and see something that sparks tears.  Today, while I was on that run, I saw a family I sort of know on the otherside of my neighborhood.  They have two kids, and I noticed the wife is pregnant with #3.  It's just hard...  Also, I'm in this weird place where I can relate to both pregnant, non-pregnant, and TTC people.  Like a pregnant friend will mention cravings, and I basically nod and understand what that feels like, but it's weird, because I say it in past tense, "Yeah, when I was pregnant, I craved carbs too."  It reminds me that I'm not anymore and they will likely go on to have a healthy baby and I won't (now anyway)...  Again, hard.

I don't think before the second miscarriage I let myself really entertain the thought that this might not happen for me.  I still believed that it would, and we just had been really unlucky that first time.  This time, I'm legitimately scared at what my future holds.  Not only are we starting over TTC this time, but who knows what other things we might be up against now that we're opening the can of worms that is testing for problems.  I just really don't know what our timeline or future even looks like anymore, and that's hard.  I'm not giving up by any means, and I still am hopeful, but I am scared and facing the possibility that this might not go how I've always imagined and this might take a lot longer than we ever thought it would.  It already has been that way.

I guess right now I'm feeling my way around figuring out a new "normal".  I used to kind of set deadlines in my head when I was TTC.  By my next birthday I'll be pregnant.  By the end of 2012 I'll be holding a baby.  By the time Greg turns 40 (next week), we'll be 10+ weeks pregnant.  I have to learn to let all that go.  We just have no clue right now how long this is going to take, and those milestones I want to reach are just...not happening. 

I feel beat down by this.  I'm going to keep fighting for what I want, but it's just tough.  I guess it's good that I have a little break from it right now while I recouperate and we try to get answers on what's going on.  But at the same time, I'm always aware of time moving forward and not moving forward with something I want so badly.  I guess we're starting from zero with this too.

  

Adventures in Basal Body Temping

Hey all. So here's a bit of an update on TTC.  I'm still trying.  Still not pregnant.  Still frustrated.  Yeaaaaaah.

I decided to try something new this month, just for kicks.  Basal Body Temping.  I've avoiding this method thus far in our attempts, because I heard it can be tough with a lot of variables that can influence the accuracy, such as alcohol, not taking the temp at the EXACT time every day, etc...  But, I decided to give a shot anyway, because what do I have to lose?

Basically, (this is just my interpretation of how it works), you get this special Basal Body Thermometer that measures your temp down to the tenth degree.  Before you get out of bed everyday, you take your temperature by just sticking the thermometer in your mouth like a doctor would.  You wait til your thermometer beeps, get a reading, and then record it on a chart (some thermometers come with charts, or you can find one to download online).  On your chart, when you see an increase in temp, it is supposed to indicate when you have ovulated.  So in theory, if you keep doing it, you're supposed to see a pattern of when your temp raises each month and the couple days before that are when you should try (baby dance, as they say). 

Here's an example of a chart:

(source)

Here's my first month...

Not very pretty is it?  I'm actually pretty confused in looking at this on when my real "spike" that I ovulated was, since there were kind of two on here.  I got a positive OPK (ovulation predictor kit result) kind of in the middle of the first spike, and the other spike was a couple days after that.  They were both gradual, not a sharp spike like the example graph.  Also, I was under the impression that your temps usually stay elevated after you ovulate (from what I read) and I was surprised to see mine kind of dip back down to about where they were in the follicular (before ovulation) phase...  So yeah, I'm confused.

I did happen upon something when locating information for this post...  Apparently the Basal Body Thermometer I've been using sucks...  It was a Walgreens one, and a lot of people complained about it here.  Awesome.  So I might have wasted a month with a crappy BBT....

Last night, I bought a new one...

Hopefully this one is better.

Really, all of this doesn't matter that much, because as usual, we can really only try when Greg is home, which is never as often as we should be trying.  In a perfect world, he'd have two weeks off at the right time of month and we could try all during that time to optimize our chances.  I don't see that happening any time soon.  I think I just feel such a lack of control over it all that I am willing to do anything to feel a little more like I have a handle on things.  Also, if my chart is right, maybe something is wrong with me and having charts to show a doctor will help them figure out what it is so that I can actually get pregnant.  That's my theory.

In the meantime, I'll just look at other people's cute babies, and hope that I turn into a success story like they did!

Wyatt is so cute and tiny :)  I loved holding him!

An Angry Run

So this month was another failed cycle in TTC (trying to conceive) for us.  Needless to say, I'm having a rough time with it...  I know, if you break it down, I got pregnant in about 5 months last time (which isn't bad by any means), and that we've really only been trying for again for about 2 months (since I could start trying after the miscarriage), but just to be at this point in the year and not be pregnant or closer to a baby than we were in January when this all started is something I'm really struggling with.  I can't help but see the totality of the situation and feel like we're failing at this.

The worst thing about this month was that it seemed like almost the perfect cycle.  We had more chances to try at around the right time than usual and I just felt like we kind of gave it our all and had a really good chance.  I know some people thought I was crazy to go to Houston, but when you've been trying for close to a year and your husband is home like one night a week most of the time, you're chances for getting pregnant are not that good.  Besides, I wanted to go and see his new apartment and hang out anyway, and people have been suggesting I follow him to try pretty much all year long.  I figured it was worth a shot.  That trip, along with his next group of days off gave us a lot of time together, which is rare these days.  Greg doesn't get schedules much better than this month's, so if any cycle was going to be possible for it to happen, it should have been this one.  I already know that Greg's schedule for November doesn't look that good in terms of our chances to try. 

So...I'm frustrated.  Last night I was actually ANGRY.  I don't understand why this is so difficult.  I hate not having any control over any of it, and I think that's one of the biggest things bothering me about all of this.  I'm doing everything I can to help this happen, and it's still not happening.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like giving up.

So last night, sad, confused, and angry, I decided to take it out on the pavement. 

Yeah, I'm slow right now.  I've sacrificed many days and weeks of pushing myself in running this year, to try to take it easy in case that would help me to get pregnant (or stay pregnant).  But it hasn't helped anyway.  I downloaded some new Coldplay (which is great) and went running.  Even though it was tough, it felt good.  Running is something I DO have control over.  I can push myself and see results.  It's nice to have control over something.  Sure, it wasn't my best run ever.  It was short, my legs felt heavy, and it's frustrating to not be as fast as I used to be, but I did feel better after my run.  I'll take it.

I don't know where we're going to go from here.  Greg and I have had a couple conversations about it and part of me is at my breaking point with it all.  I want to throw in the towel for a while and focus on something else.  But this nagging part of my brain wants to keep trying.  Maybe needs to keep trying...  I do think I want to train for a race again.  Even just a 5k or 10k.  I'm thinking a turkey trot.  Since I know our chances in November aren't that great anyway, I figure what the hell.  I need to feel capable again.  I need something that is mine.

So I have running...

And cupcakes...

And a dog in a banana costume...

Yeaaaaaaaah...  I guess that'll have to be enough for now.



A Low Point

Yesterday was a really rough day for me for some reason.  I actually cried a couple times at work which is very unlike me.  Luckily my office is kind of remote so no one saw me.  I'm just at a really low place with everything right now and trying to get pregnant.  I should feel hopeful since we actually had a couple chances to try at right around the right time this month, but I learned a long time ago that hope is a tough thing when months keep ticking by and you're still not pregnant.  I never thought 10 months ago that this would consume my mind and my life the way it has.  It's just so so hard...

I'm sorry if my blog has recently taken a turn into depressed-ville.  I really wish I could stay upbeat and positive, but I'm just having a hard time right now. 

I was saying to my friend the other day that I miss the old me.  A year ago I was entrenched in training for races, healthy living, and much more optimistic about the future when we found out Greg was getting recalled.  I knew that we were going to have the chance to try to conceive when he went back to his main airline, which we hadn't felt like we could do when he was furloughed because of the instability.  I remember thinking about the fact that we were going to get to try soon while running my marathon in January and it making me smile like crazy to know that we were going to start trying in a matter of days.  I couldn't wait.

I feel like that hope and optimism has been stolen from me.  Month after month wanting a baby and not getting pregnant and then getting pregnant only to find out things were dicey and then ultimately not viable...  It's just been a really long year, and not a really good year for me.  Things just didn't go the way I'd hoped or planned at all.

I really just don't know how to be happy right now.  I know it's irrational and that I have a good life with my husband and cute dog,, a nice house, a good job, plenty to be thankful for, and I am, but I just feel like I don't know how to not want a baby anymore now that it's in my line of sight.  It's just so difficult to make it happen with my husband's career and life style.  I am so jealous of women who have a husband home every night and the opportunity to try with them whenever they want.  I just can't fathom it now that I've spent time following my husband around the country, waiting for him to come home, and basically doing everything I can to try and make this happen, but never feeling like it's enough.  Sure, we tried a bunch last week and this week, but what about the three days before I ovulated when he was away and we didn't get to try?  Was that our window and did we miss it?

I'm driving myself nuts, I know.  I know I need to live my life and not let this continue to consume me, but I'm not sure how.  I have never wanted something so much or felt like anything was more difficult to acheive than this.  I'd train for and run a hundred marathons and say it was easier than trying to get pregnant.  I think it's really about the control, or lack of it that I have in this situation.  I just don't know how relax and leave this up to fate.  I have way to much fear that it'll never happen if I do that, since we have such a problem with Greg being away.  I feel like I have to be proactive, think about it, and concious of it or we don't have a chance.

Anyway, I'll be ok.  I know I will, and I know I'll get back up, dust myself off, and keep on trucking along.  I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter.  I have to keep fighting for what I want.

When Life Is Mundane

I haven't been a very good blogger lately.  I guess sometimes I feel like some things in my life aren't very "blog worthy".  Sometimes life is just life and it's not that interesting.  Not every meal seems exciting (like the Amy's Burrito and roasted butternut squash I ate one night in the picture below), not every workout seems inspiring enough (sometimes I just walk Clyde as my workout), and not much has changed with my life lately (I'm still not pregnant). 

I've been caught up in fall TV shows, reading The Hunger Games series (I'm halfway through Catching Fire), and settling into the laziness of fall, I guess.  I struggle a little bit with what I want to blog about when life seems kind of mundane like it has lately.

Here's some stuff I did this week.

Monday night Greg was home, but just for one night.  Neither of us are thrilled with the schedules he's been getting lately.  Pilots get a minimum of 12 days off a month and he's consistently getting 12 days off- no more than that.  He "bids" for his schedule, meaning he ranks his choice of schedule.  He's so low on the seniority list that he usually can't do much about what schedule he gets though because the schedules are doled out in order of seniority.  The schedules he is getting are not very commutable either, which is a problem since he's trying to get from Houston to Charlotte when he's off.  Ususally a couple weeks out of the month he gets two days off, then he'll get one big chunk of like 5-6 days off at some point.  On the weeks where he has two days off, if he finishes too late on his last day flying he has to stay in Houston for a night, which means he only gets ONE night home. Yeah, it sucks.   Don't get me wrong, the big chunk of days off is nice, but for someone commuting we'd prefer something more consistent, like 3 days off every week, which would make it a lot easier for him to get home and be here for longer than just one night before having to turn around and go back. 

The other reason Greg's schedule is a problem is because we're trying to conceive again.  If he's only home one night a week most of the month, that causes obvious problems in the likelihood that we will actually successfully conceive because he's not home when I need him to be.  This is what happened in September, where I'm pretty sure we only had one shot at it, and then my actual ovulation wasn't til about 5 days after, which is a long time for the swimmers to hang out.  We're back to square one with our timing problem and I would venture to say that it seems worse now that it did in the spring the first time around.  I can't tell you how frustrated it makes me that I'm in October and no closer to this....  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Anyway, we are trying to make the most of the time when he is home, and we did have a nice time together on Monday. 

Tuesday night I met Kelly at EarthFare for dinner and got a huge salad at the salad bar.

Kelly in action.

We also did a little shopping together after dinner and got some Yoforia froyo.

Thursday night, my mom was in town.  She had a conference close by so she spent the night and we went to dinner at The Wine Shop.  I knew my mom would like it because they have great food, a great wine selection, and it was a nice night for outdoor dining.

My mom is an excellent wine selector, so I let her pick out a bottle for us.  We got this Cameron Hughes Syrah, which went nicely with the bush next to us.

For dinner, we split a salmon and goat cheese salad.

And a flat bread with procuitto, figs, and gorgonzola cheese.  Yeah, it rocked... 

Excellent balance of sweet and salty :)

We followed dinner with some Cold Stone.  I got a PB yogurt and PB cup mix.  Then we headed home and I showed her the drama-fest that is Revenge, which I had Tivod.  It was great to see my mom, even if it was a short visit. 

It's been a nice weekend here, cooler temps, some fun with friends, and of course lots of snuggling with you know who.  Well, when he's not busy catching rays, that is...

I'll be back later to elaborate on my weekend activities.

In the meantime, if you blog, what inspires you?



Catching Up On My Week

I had a good week back in Charlotte after my labor day weekend visit to New Hampshire.  I settled back in normal routine, working, eating, walking Clyde, and I even went for a run one night, with no Vertigo issues.  Sweet!

My dinner one night was grilled shrimp, steamed asparagus, and half a potato.

I had book club on Wednesday night.  I was one of the few people in our group that had read all of One Day.

The book ended up being an unpopular choice.  Most of the group had trouble getting into it and most didn't finish it.  I really liked the concept of each chapter seeing where the two main characters were on the same day each year for about 20 years, but I felt like the idea was better than the actual story and resulting book.  I also felt kind of disconnected from the dialogue at times because everyone in the book is British and the lingo is kind of heavy on the British speak.  It wasn't the worst book I've ever read, but wasn't the best either.  I'm still planning on seeing the movie anyway though, because I like seeing how a movie about a book is done when I've read the book.  Plus, I have an obsession with movie popcorn.

We met at Yoforia for book club.  I had the usual Yoforia selection of fruity flavors and fruity toppings.

Book club night was also the only night Greg was home this week, so that was a bummer, but we still spent a little time together when I got home from work and after book club.

There's been some news I've neglected to blog about...  My brother and his wife became parents!  Ashley was about 2-3 weeks early, but everything pretty much went off without a hitch.  Her water broke in the morning, they went to the hospital, and the baby was born around 4:30pm that afternoon.

This is my new niece, Avery.

I actually did Facetime on my IPhone with my brother for a while yesterday and got to see her sitting in my brother's lap.  So cute :)  I'm looking forward to meeting my new niece in person sometime soon.

I have had a little bit of a hard time with the news that my brother has a baby.  Obviously I'm happy for him and it's a wonderful thing, but on and off through out hearing they were expecting and my struggles with TTC and miscarrying, it's been kind of difficult for me that my younger brother was successful at this before me.  It goes against my stubborn mind which has this logical order of how things should go in life, being that I'm the older sibling, got married before him, and I just feel like Greg and I should have a baby by now.  Even though I know it's stupid and that's not how like works, it's still frustrating none the less.  Greg and I also didn't get to have the first grandchild in either family, since his sister has four kids.  It's all somewhat trivial, but hard for someone wanting a baby.  This month we are back in the game and trying again, so hears hoping we have a cousin for Avery to play with soon.

My Confession

Confession?  I'm enjoying having a break from TTC and everything that goes with it.  You probably know from reading my blog (or knowing me in real life), that I let that process take me over in the last eight months.  I didn't want to do anything to jeapordize conceiving or carrying a baby.  That meant I basically stopped running, stopped doing yoga (I heard that certain twists and inversions can be bad), refrained from eating or drinking anything questionable, etc...  A lot of good my paranoia did me, right?

Actually, I don't regret that I handled everything the way I did for the most part.  I always said that I didn't want to have to blame myself for miscarrying if it happened.  I knew if I had been running a lot, I might wonder if that caused it, and I'm glad I don't have to wonder and that I don't blame myself because I KNOW I was so careful.  In that respect, I am glad I handled it the way I did.  On the other hand, letting go of running and yoga caused me to lose a big part of who I am for a while, and I missed those outlets and the activities that I enjoy so much.

Once I'd had my first post-op doctor's appointment and was cleared, one of the first things that popped into my head was that I wanted to run.  I probably hadn't run in at least four months, but oh well, I felt like getting out there.

I did just under 2.4 miles on my first run, and have now run about 4 more times since then, all short, slow runs under 3 miles.  It's tough.  I definitely have lost ALL of my speed (if you could call what I had before speed), and it feels very labored and difficult.  I know part of that is the insane heat we have going right now (temps usually anywhere from 85-100 degrees).  I usually have to wait til later in the day to go when it cools off, and even then it's only a few degrees cooler, so it's HOT out there.

As slow and tough as it is, it's still nice to get back out there.  I'm not saying I didn't stay active at all while I was pregnant or trying, but I kept my "workouts" more like long walks, and I know for me, running is a much better workout, and it feels good to really sweat again.

Speaking of sweat, I also returned to the yoga mat over the weekend.  I went to Y2 for Tanner's hour and a half long hot class with Katie on Sunday, which was probably kind of ambitious of me, since I think it's one of the tougher classes in Charlotte, but I'd say it went pretty well for a 4-5 month hiatus.  Let's just say I can feel my shoulder muscles again ;)  Nice.

As much as I want a baby, I'm glad to just feel like my pre-TTC self again for a little while.  It's just nice to not have to *think* about the baby or potential baby with decision I make for a little while.  I don't know how things will go in my next round of TTC, which if you are wondering should kick off in a little over a month.  I guess I'll just play it by ear and go with how I feel then.  I don't want to go into it promising anything, I think TTC and pregnancy taught me to kind of go with how you feel.  I think I'd like to be more active next time, but at the same time, knowing that I lost one pregnancy already may make me all the more paranoid for the next time, so I wouldn't be surprised if I kind of "bench" myself again, and I will let myself be okay with that if that's how I feel. 

In the meantime, til we try again, I'll enjoy some running, some yoga, and also the recreational sport of margarita drinking of course!

Oh, and doggie cuddling!  That's a sport right?  I think I've got some Olympic potential there...

I'm coming to get you Clyde!!  :)

I Messed Up My Wish

I'm still dealing relatively well with my miscarriage, but sometimes thoughts swim in my head about it all.  You know the statement, "Be Careful What You Wish For"?  I sometimes think that about my pregnancy.  I wished to get pregnant for so long.  I wished to get PREGNANT.  Not to get pregnant and have a healthy baby (that second part was supposed to be implied), just to get pregnant. 

Did you ever see that movie Bedazzled with Brendan Fraser?  Maybe not, it's kinda dumb.

Anyway, he makes a deal with the devil (Elizabeth Hurley) to sell his soul for some wishes.  The problem is that he'd say, "I want to be rich", and she'd make him rich, but also a cartel drug dealer jerk with a cheating wife and a bunch of people that want to kill him.  Not exactly what he had in mind.  I feel like that's kind of what happened with my wish.  I just wanted to be pregnant so bad that I didn't follow through with the rest of the wish.  I should have said I want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, even though like I said, I thought that part was implied.

As far as coping goes, I think I'm doing pretty good.  I can talk about the miscarriage, or babies/pregnancy in general, without bursting in to tears.  I kind of feel like I went back to my old, pre-pregnancy self.  I think I've spent so much of my life not pregnant, that it feels more normal to me to not be pregnant than to be pregnant.  I actually feel kind of guilty that I don't feel worse about it all.  Is it weird that I haven't crawled into bed for a month unable to move?  I feel like I should feel worse...

As far as my specific case, I think it also helped in a way that we never saw a heartbeat, and got really attached to the idea that a real live baby was growing inside me.  I knew pretty early on that things were up in the air as far as whether we'd actually have a successful pregnancy or not, so I was preparing fairly early on for things to take a turn for the worse if it came to that.

Still, as well as I'm doing, I have moments when I get sad and disappointed about it.  I've been gravitating towards sad-ish music on my playlists lately, and spend time in the car thinking about it when I'm alone.  I went for a run today and that actually dredged up quite a bit of thought on everything, because running is so introspective when you do it alone. 

I had my follow-up doctor's appointment this week and the doctor (the same one that did my surgery) was great, as usual.  He gave me his "pep talk" on trying again and encouraged me to.  I actually don't need a pep talk though.  I definitely plan to try again.  I think part of why I'm not sitting around sad all the time is that I'm more determined than sad as the underlying emotion towards trying to have a baby.  I just hope our second time around goes better than this time. 

The hard part about trying again is not knowing what went wrong the first time.  I guess there really is no explanation.  The doctor said it I had pregnancy tissue, but that he couldn't tell what went wrong.  I'm just hoping my body was all confused since it was my first time and is now like, "Ohhhhhh, that's what you were trying to do!  Okay, got it now.  Let's do this!"  After all, I waited almost 33 years to get pregnant, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that my body didn't know what to do right away.  It's not like everyone can just get on a bike and ride...

I've talked to quite a few people about the miscarriage.  I would say that more people have told me that they, or their wife- if it's a guy, have had a miscarriage than not, which I guess is sort of surprising to hear how common it is.  Yesterday I told two guys at work that knew I was pregnant and they both immediately said they've been through it (they both went on to have 2-4 kids each).  I've been finding this is the case with so many people I've talked to, and though it's a sad topic, there definitely is comfort in knowing I'm not alone, and better still, that people are still successful at conceiving again and having babies even after a miscarriage.  That's really, really good news.

The sad part in talking with other people who have been through it is hearing how hard it's been for some of them. 

Like I said, I feel like I've coped relatively well.  I haven't lost my determination (I'm a stubborn Taurus after all) to get pregnant again, and this isn't something that's going to keep me on the sidelines.  I am planning to get back out there and try when we can (in two cycles if you are wondering).  For me, keeping busy, being social, and trying find myself again has helped me more than laying in bed with the covers pulled up hiding from it all.  Talking about it and blogging about it has helped lots too. 

I think the other thing that's been hard for me to accept was that I had this huge hunch that I would be a pregnancy rock star.  I don't think I'm exceptional at a ton of things (even though I know I'm good at a lot of things), but I just thought I would ROCK at being pregnant and carrying a baby to term and would soar through it with flying colors and no issues, and letting that go has been hard for me.  I just figured that I was healthy, a good weight for pregnancy, and I had great genes to be great at being pregnant from my mom.  To have the whole thing crash and burn so miserably was a huge disappointment when I'd pictured it going so well for so long.  It's been pretty humbling that I didn't get pregnant right away and that I couldn't carry the first pregnancy to term. 

So that's where I'm at on everything.  Still determined, still pretty hopeful, and just trying to keep trucking along with this journey while I'm back in my holding pattern...

Trying To Conceive Blues

I'm feeling kind of blue today. 

(source)

Ever since I've been trying to conceive, my months are filled with ups and downs and hope and disappointment.  It really is a roller coaster.  This cycle started with high hopes as I marked my husband's days off (when he would be home) on the calendar like I do every month and then used some ovulation predictor charts online to figure out when our best chance to conceive would be and more importantly, whether Greg would be anywhere near me at that time.  Two or three cycles in a row we've tried on, the day before, or two days before I got my LH surge on an Ovulation Predictor test.  Everyone says "the swimmers" (as I like to call them) can live up to seven days in a woman's body so in theory we could have gotten pregnant by trying within a few days of ovulation, but in our case that hasn't happened yet.  I've been dying to have a cycle where we could try RIGHT ON the day I ovulate, which would actually be about a day or two past when I get my positive OPK test. 

By my calculations, this could have actually been THE month that could happen since I usually get my surge right at day 14 of my cycle and Greg was supposed to be home a day after that!  Imagine my disappointment when I took an OPK on day 11 of my cycle (because I usually start taking the tests a few days before, just in case), and I had a positive already!  I ovulated early :(  This was bad news since my hubby was sitting in hotel room in LA, and I was on the east coast headed to Hilton Head.  It basically meant I again ovulated while Greg was no where near me.  Awesome.  I basically had to laugh.  I don't know how we really have any hope of hitting it (pun intended) at the exact right time with Greg flying all over the place and never home at the right time.  Especially since my ovulation/egg is now jumping all over the place like a greased pig that doesn't want to be caught by switching up days on me.  I think I need to injure Greg, Kathy Bates style, so that he'll be home for an entire month and we actually have a legitimate shot at this. 

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuust kidding!

Honestly, I'm kind of exhausted emotionally and physically over this process.  I feel like I've lost myself lately.  A few months ago I was on top of the world about it all.  I even remember smiling while running my marathon knowing this was the next BIG THING.

Physically- I was so excited to try to conceive after my marathon, knowing I was in such great shape.  I was lean and strong, and thought it was the perfect time to have a baby.  Of course, in the following months, I cut way back on running to give my body some rest and settled into low-impact stuff like walking that seemed more conducive to carrying a baby.  I still am afraid to do much physically besides walk, and that doesn't seem to be cutting it these days.  I feel lazy and sluggish and it's doing nothing for my self esteem.  I pretty much feel like a blob.

Food wise- I still eat pretty healthy most of the time (cupcakes not included), but without working out as much, I probably should be watching what I'm eating more, since I'm not burning it off like I was when I ran regularly.  I feel uninspired to cook a lot of the time lately, and definitely haven't been coming up with much new stuff to cook.  I have kind of lost my healthy living mojo.  I just kind of want to lay on the couch with my puppy, eat some chips, and watch trashy TV.  It's awful.  Who am I?

Emotionally- Like I said, it's just draining to go on the up and down roller coaster of hope and disappointment every month.  Again, I was in such a GREAT place after the marathon when we started trying.  I was excited about the idea of becoming a mother and feeling like what I waited for so long was finally going to happen.  I also felt great about myself, I was in a really good place with where I was with the world, my marriage, my life...  ready to bring a baby into all that joy.  Now, I kind of feel like I've fallen off that high, and it's a struggle to feel like I'm my best self these days.  A lot of people keep telling me to be positive, but it's tough. 

The other thing about being a person 5-6 months into this journey of TTC is that I feel like I don't fit in anywhere in terms of relating to people, except a small few that I know are in my same boat.  I often feel kind of alone in it all.

Diagnosed infertile people kind of hate me for whining, thinking I surely will conceive easily and that it's way too early for me to be concerned.  Infertile people have this awesome network of support though, and I'm envious of their ability to tweet, blog, and discuss their struggles and that have each other to lean on when things are tough.  It's an exclusive club, and I can only watch and listen since I'm not really a part of it.  I don't know if I have actual issues or not yet or if we'll need medical help to conceive, I'm still going to try for a little while longer before I see my doctor since I know timing is an issue for us.

People that had an easy time conceiving can't always relate either.  They just keep telling me it'll definitely happen.  I'm not mad at them at all for saying this at all, I wish I could be as positive as they seem to be.  I also just know that they don't know how hard it can be when it takes a while.  *sigh*

I constantly feel like I'm not supposed to feel disappointed, sad, or frustrated that it hasn't happened and that I'm being ridiculous for feeling this way at this point in the journey.  Well, I do feel disappointed, sad, and frustrated.  I don't think I can help how I feel anymore than an infertile person does.  And, I think I do deserve to feel this way.  I've gone through a lot in my life to finally get to the point where I could try to have a child.  I'm in my 30's and my husband is nearing 40.  I would love to have started trying earlier, but it would not have been the responsible thing to do, to bring a child into our lives when things were so unstable and chaotic.  Walk a mile in my shoes and tell me I don't deserve to feel how I feel about it.