Sunday, March 11, 2012

Starting From Zero

I just got back from a run.  I think the last run I did was about a month ago, and since I wasn't doing a lot of running before that (I tried running while I was pregnant a couple times and it just didn't feel very comfortable to me), it kind of felt like starting from zero.  I had low expectations and just figured I would get out there and see how I felt, since I'm still less than a week from my D&C surgery, and unfortunately, my recovery from this surgery has felt slower than last time.  I've been a little more tender and crampy.  Still functional, but I just don't want to do any damage by over doing it, you know?

My hope was to run at least a mile- I have to start somewhere.  Luckily I got in 1.53 miles.  It was slow and I felt like I slug, but I did it.  I just wanted to get started on training for the 10K I have my sights set on next month.

My plan for the Racefest 10K is that I don't really have a plan.  Well, I did plug in a Runner's World Smart Coach outline, but I will probably follow it pretty loosely, mainly just worrying about the weekend "long" runs.  I figure during the week I'll do two more runs like the plan calls for, and I can do more than two mid week runs if I feel like it.  I can also do more than two miles if I feel like it, I will just see how I feel and go with it.  I'm also not going to worry too much about pace, since I'm so far out from where I once was.  I will just run at whatever pace is comfortable.  At this point, I know I've been running long enough that I'm pretty confident if I loosely follow this plan, I'll be fine on race day to get in 6.2 miles. 

As for how I'm doing with the aftermath of miscarriage #2...  Well, it changes all the time.  Sometimes I can sort of feel "normal" or just kind of imagine it all never happened.  Daily life continues and for all intensive purposes, I'm just living my life like I usually do- working, hanging out with friends, cooking, playing with Clyde....  But inside there's that sadness, that frustration, and that scar that I'm carrying with me.  I'll be sitting watching TV and see something that sparks tears.  Today, while I was on that run, I saw a family I sort of know on the otherside of my neighborhood.  They have two kids, and I noticed the wife is pregnant with #3.  It's just hard...  Also, I'm in this weird place where I can relate to both pregnant, non-pregnant, and TTC people.  Like a pregnant friend will mention cravings, and I basically nod and understand what that feels like, but it's weird, because I say it in past tense, "Yeah, when I was pregnant, I craved carbs too."  It reminds me that I'm not anymore and they will likely go on to have a healthy baby and I won't (now anyway)...  Again, hard.

I don't think before the second miscarriage I let myself really entertain the thought that this might not happen for me.  I still believed that it would, and we just had been really unlucky that first time.  This time, I'm legitimately scared at what my future holds.  Not only are we starting over TTC this time, but who knows what other things we might be up against now that we're opening the can of worms that is testing for problems.  I just really don't know what our timeline or future even looks like anymore, and that's hard.  I'm not giving up by any means, and I still am hopeful, but I am scared and facing the possibility that this might not go how I've always imagined and this might take a lot longer than we ever thought it would.  It already has been that way.

I guess right now I'm feeling my way around figuring out a new "normal".  I used to kind of set deadlines in my head when I was TTC.  By my next birthday I'll be pregnant.  By the end of 2012 I'll be holding a baby.  By the time Greg turns 40 (next week), we'll be 10+ weeks pregnant.  I have to learn to let all that go.  We just have no clue right now how long this is going to take, and those milestones I want to reach are just...not happening. 

I feel beat down by this.  I'm going to keep fighting for what I want, but it's just tough.  I guess it's good that I have a little break from it right now while I recouperate and we try to get answers on what's going on.  But at the same time, I'm always aware of time moving forward and not moving forward with something I want so badly.  I guess we're starting from zero with this too.



Jen said...

Ugh, I hate this for you. It must be so awful to be able to relate to pregnant people. :/ Keep fighting. I hope you get answers soon!

Great job on the run! I'm excited for Racefest!

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