I'm feeling kind of blue today.
Ever since I've been trying to conceive, my months are filled with ups and downs and hope and disappointment. It really is a roller coaster. This cycle started with high hopes as I marked my husband's days off (when he would be home) on the calendar like I do every month and then used some ovulation predictor charts online to figure out when our best chance to conceive would be and more importantly, whether Greg would be anywhere near me at that time. Two or three cycles in a row we've tried on, the day before, or two days before I got my LH surge on an Ovulation Predictor test. Everyone says "the swimmers" (as I like to call them) can live up to seven days in a woman's body so in theory we could have gotten pregnant by trying within a few days of ovulation, but in our case that hasn't happened yet. I've been dying to have a cycle where we could try RIGHT ON the day I ovulate, which would actually be about a day or two past when I get my positive OPK test.
By my calculations, this could have actually been THE month that could happen since I usually get my surge right at day 14 of my cycle and Greg was supposed to be home a day after that! Imagine my disappointment when I took an OPK on day 11 of my cycle (because I usually start taking the tests a few days before, just in case), and I had a positive already! I ovulated early :( This was bad news since my hubby was sitting in hotel room in LA, and I was on the east coast headed to Hilton Head. It basically meant I again ovulated while Greg was no where near me. Awesome. I basically had to laugh. I don't know how we really have any hope of hitting it (pun intended) at the exact right time with Greg flying all over the place and never home at the right time. Especially since my ovulation/egg is now jumping all over the place like a greased pig that doesn't want to be caught by switching up days on me. I think I need to injure Greg, Kathy Bates style, so that he'll be home for an entire month and we actually have a legitimate shot at this.
Honestly, I'm kind of exhausted emotionally and physically over this process. I feel like I've lost myself lately. A few months ago I was on top of the world about it all. I even remember smiling while running my marathon knowing this was the next BIG THING.
Physically- I was so excited to try to conceive after my marathon, knowing I was in such great shape. I was lean and strong, and thought it was the perfect time to have a baby. Of course, in the following months, I cut way back on running to give my body some rest and settled into low-impact stuff like walking that seemed more conducive to carrying a baby. I still am afraid to do much physically besides walk, and that doesn't seem to be cutting it these days. I feel lazy and sluggish and it's doing nothing for my self esteem. I pretty much feel like a blob.
Food wise- I still eat pretty healthy most of the time (cupcakes not included), but without working out as much, I probably should be watching what I'm eating more, since I'm not burning it off like I was when I ran regularly. I feel uninspired to cook a lot of the time lately, and definitely haven't been coming up with much new stuff to cook. I have kind of lost my healthy living mojo. I just kind of want to lay on the couch with my puppy, eat some chips, and watch trashy TV. It's awful. Who am I?
Emotionally- Like I said, it's just draining to go on the up and down roller coaster of hope and disappointment every month. Again, I was in such a GREAT place after the marathon when we started trying. I was excited about the idea of becoming a mother and feeling like what I waited for so long was finally going to happen. I also felt great about myself, I was in a really good place with where I was with the world, my marriage, my life... ready to bring a baby into all that joy. Now, I kind of feel like I've fallen off that high, and it's a struggle to feel like I'm my best self these days. A lot of people keep telling me to be positive, but it's tough.
The other thing about being a person 5-6 months into this journey of TTC is that I feel like I don't fit in anywhere in terms of relating to people, except a small few that I know are in my same boat. I often feel kind of alone in it all.
Diagnosed infertile people kind of hate me for whining, thinking I surely will conceive easily and that it's way too early for me to be concerned. Infertile people have this awesome network of support though, and I'm envious of their ability to tweet, blog, and discuss their struggles and that have each other to lean on when things are tough. It's an exclusive club, and I can only watch and listen since I'm not really a part of it. I don't know if I have actual issues or not yet or if we'll need medical help to conceive, I'm still going to try for a little while longer before I see my doctor since I know timing is an issue for us.
People that had an easy time conceiving can't always relate either. They just keep telling me it'll definitely happen. I'm not mad at them at all for saying this at all, I wish I could be as positive as they seem to be. I also just know that they don't know how hard it can be when it takes a while. *sigh*
I constantly feel like I'm not supposed to feel disappointed, sad, or frustrated that it hasn't happened and that I'm being ridiculous for feeling this way at this point in the journey. Well, I do feel disappointed, sad, and frustrated. I don't think I can help how I feel anymore than an infertile person does. And, I think I do deserve to feel this way. I've gone through a lot in my life to finally get to the point where I could try to have a child. I'm in my 30's and my husband is nearing 40. I would love to have started trying earlier, but it would not have been the responsible thing to do, to bring a child into our lives when things were so unstable and chaotic. Walk a mile in my shoes and tell me I don't deserve to feel how I feel about it.