Friday, May 27, 2011

Trying To Conceive Blues

I'm feeling kind of blue today. 


Ever since I've been trying to conceive, my months are filled with ups and downs and hope and disappointment.  It really is a roller coaster.  This cycle started with high hopes as I marked my husband's days off (when he would be home) on the calendar like I do every month and then used some ovulation predictor charts online to figure out when our best chance to conceive would be and more importantly, whether Greg would be anywhere near me at that time.  Two or three cycles in a row we've tried on, the day before, or two days before I got my LH surge on an Ovulation Predictor test.  Everyone says "the swimmers" (as I like to call them) can live up to seven days in a woman's body so in theory we could have gotten pregnant by trying within a few days of ovulation, but in our case that hasn't happened yet.  I've been dying to have a cycle where we could try RIGHT ON the day I ovulate, which would actually be about a day or two past when I get my positive OPK test. 

By my calculations, this could have actually been THE month that could happen since I usually get my surge right at day 14 of my cycle and Greg was supposed to be home a day after that!  Imagine my disappointment when I took an OPK on day 11 of my cycle (because I usually start taking the tests a few days before, just in case), and I had a positive already!  I ovulated early :(  This was bad news since my hubby was sitting in hotel room in LA, and I was on the east coast headed to Hilton Head.  It basically meant I again ovulated while Greg was no where near me.  Awesome.  I basically had to laugh.  I don't know how we really have any hope of hitting it (pun intended) at the exact right time with Greg flying all over the place and never home at the right time.  Especially since my ovulation/egg is now jumping all over the place like a greased pig that doesn't want to be caught by switching up days on me.  I think I need to injure Greg, Kathy Bates style, so that he'll be home for an entire month and we actually have a legitimate shot at this. 

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuust kidding!

Honestly, I'm kind of exhausted emotionally and physically over this process.  I feel like I've lost myself lately.  A few months ago I was on top of the world about it all.  I even remember smiling while running my marathon knowing this was the next BIG THING.

Physically- I was so excited to try to conceive after my marathon, knowing I was in such great shape.  I was lean and strong, and thought it was the perfect time to have a baby.  Of course, in the following months, I cut way back on running to give my body some rest and settled into low-impact stuff like walking that seemed more conducive to carrying a baby.  I still am afraid to do much physically besides walk, and that doesn't seem to be cutting it these days.  I feel lazy and sluggish and it's doing nothing for my self esteem.  I pretty much feel like a blob.

Food wise- I still eat pretty healthy most of the time (cupcakes not included), but without working out as much, I probably should be watching what I'm eating more, since I'm not burning it off like I was when I ran regularly.  I feel uninspired to cook a lot of the time lately, and definitely haven't been coming up with much new stuff to cook.  I have kind of lost my healthy living mojo.  I just kind of want to lay on the couch with my puppy, eat some chips, and watch trashy TV.  It's awful.  Who am I?

Emotionally- Like I said, it's just draining to go on the up and down roller coaster of hope and disappointment every month.  Again, I was in such a GREAT place after the marathon when we started trying.  I was excited about the idea of becoming a mother and feeling like what I waited for so long was finally going to happen.  I also felt great about myself, I was in a really good place with where I was with the world, my marriage, my life...  ready to bring a baby into all that joy.  Now, I kind of feel like I've fallen off that high, and it's a struggle to feel like I'm my best self these days.  A lot of people keep telling me to be positive, but it's tough. 

The other thing about being a person 5-6 months into this journey of TTC is that I feel like I don't fit in anywhere in terms of relating to people, except a small few that I know are in my same boat.  I often feel kind of alone in it all.

Diagnosed infertile people kind of hate me for whining, thinking I surely will conceive easily and that it's way too early for me to be concerned.  Infertile people have this awesome network of support though, and I'm envious of their ability to tweet, blog, and discuss their struggles and that have each other to lean on when things are tough.  It's an exclusive club, and I can only watch and listen since I'm not really a part of it.  I don't know if I have actual issues or not yet or if we'll need medical help to conceive, I'm still going to try for a little while longer before I see my doctor since I know timing is an issue for us.

People that had an easy time conceiving can't always relate either.  They just keep telling me it'll definitely happen.  I'm not mad at them at all for saying this at all, I wish I could be as positive as they seem to be.  I also just know that they don't know how hard it can be when it takes a while.  *sigh*

I constantly feel like I'm not supposed to feel disappointed, sad, or frustrated that it hasn't happened and that I'm being ridiculous for feeling this way at this point in the journey.  Well, I do feel disappointed, sad, and frustrated.  I don't think I can help how I feel anymore than an infertile person does.  And, I think I do deserve to feel this way.  I've gone through a lot in my life to finally get to the point where I could try to have a child.  I'm in my 30's and my husband is nearing 40.  I would love to have started trying earlier, but it would not have been the responsible thing to do, to bring a child into our lives when things were so unstable and chaotic.  Walk a mile in my shoes and tell me I don't deserve to feel how I feel about it.


Jen said...

I'm sorry :( I'm not going to say I know how you feel or I know you'll get pregnant eventually b/c I want to slap people when they say that to me. Hang in there.

Just some friendly advice: Swimmers cannot live up to 7 days! It's about 2-3 days. I hate that someone told you that.

As for running, I'd pick it up again, especially during your luteal phase. My RE said that being still during that time limits blood flow which can inhibit implantation. So best to stay moving!

I definitely agree that the support of the infertile world rocks, but I would hope no one would truly be envious of our plight. My cheapest cycle this year cost us over $3k out of pocket. It's a struggle in many, many ways and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Have you tried discussion boards like WebMD or the Bump? They usually have a place for people who've been TTC for 6+ months.

Anonymous said...

brittney - i don't know what to say but i just want you to know that i'm sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. there is nothing wrong with feeling blue sometimes and i'm glad you're using your blog as an outlet to discuss your feelings.

Brittney said...

Jen, I don't envy your infertility plight, just the support/ability to relate to each other you guys have. I just don't know of too many people I can relate to in my same situation. Thanks (as usual) for the info. I learn more and more every day! Hopefully it'll help!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulty ttc, but I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to write posts about such a sensitive subject. I'm in a similar situation as you (early 30s, husband in late 30s, ttc 6+ months), except we've taken it one step further. I met with my OB/GYN and showed her all of my BBT charts. She suggested bloodwork for me and SA for him. My lab results were fine (thankfully), but the SA revealed some problems with him, so my husband has been referred to a urologist and he has to give another sample. Unfortunately, we couldn't even get an appointment until early August, so I feel like time is slipping away. It's so frustrating. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Julie @ Willow Bird Baking said...

Girl, there is no "deserve" -- you should feel however you feel, and that's that! I love that you are sensitive to what others are going through, for sure, but don't feel bad for, well, feeling bad! Feelings are necessarily emotional, not rational, and even if we'd like to reason them into being something different than what they are, they just ARE what they are!

Sending big *hugs* your way and hoping it'll go your way soon!!

Alison said...

I'm sorry you're blue :( it's a tough situation. You know my ttc issues, and I honestly felt better once I met with the experts. I feel like I don't quite fit in a category either. Maybe we can start our own! Hugs to you.

Erin @ The Grass Skirt said...

You know I'm one of the few who you can relate to my dear. I promise to try and cheer you up tomorrow! We'll have cute little bundle of joy soon (maybe even this time next year). I just know it! In the meantime, we have our cute little puppies, and oru geeky hubbies. :)

Tanya Kummerow said...

Brittney, I am grieving for you and you are totally right in feeling how you do. I will certainly keep you in my prayers!

jenna (hello, i love you) said...

Brittney, New reader here...and I am sending big hugs to you.

Thank you for your kind words earlier on my blog. I haven't really talked about it on my blog yet but I can completely relate to your situation. I was never diagnosed as infertile but it did take my husband and I over a year and a half to conceive. I felt like I couldn't relate to people who conceived right away and I felt like I wasn't diagnosed with anything officially so I should also stop worrying so much. But really I don't feel like you are whining at all. This is how you feel and it is healthy to talk/write about it. If you want to chat even though we just "met," I am here!

Runblondie26 said...

I know when you want a baby, you want the baby, like yesterday. I'm sorry Brit.

TMI time, but I know for certain we conceived 4 days before I ovulated. DH was already on a trip, and I was being monitored closely by my doc since I was doing fertility treatments. You've got a bigger window than you think. Keep the faith.

Runblondie26 said...

+1 on forums. They're a good place for info and to vent. Just set a timer for yourself. It's very easy to get wrapped up in them. Don't let it consume you!

Molly said...

I hate to be a cliche and say hang in there, but please do!

Several of my friends have had hard times while trying to conceive, but ultimately they were all successful. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

When we were trying for our second baby, I was in this hippie type store in Saratoga, and I bought a Moon Stone that represents fertility, and I kept it in my pocket until I got pregnant with my daughter two months later. Call it co-incidence, but it was reassuring just having it there.

Anonymous said...

I know that I have NO Children and I am NO where ready to have children, but I want to give you some support. First of all, you are NOT alone. My parents were in the mid thirties when they had both my brother and I. Then my grandparents did have my dad when they were 40/50. You still have plenty of time and when you have your little boy or girl, you will be SO grateful! :D

Joanna said...

I have never walked in your shoes, but knowing what I know you have every right to feel what you are feeling right now. Of course you are sad, and disappointed and frustrated and just pissed off...feel it, and screw the people who don't support you.

You know what "club" you belong to...pilot wife! That adds an extra factor of crappiness. And is he on reserve? Even worse! For #1 I was POSITIVE that I missed that month since Steve was on the road. I was pissed. Low and behold I POAS and +. I was shocked since I Oed about 5 days early.

You are in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs to you!

Emms said...

I know that as a diagnosed infertility couple that you are right, we get a lot if support from each other. Like a pp said, there are forums out there for people who are TTC but haven't been diagnosed as infertile. Please know 'we' don't hate you! Remember, most of us started where you are. By the time we were diagnosed we were feeling as you do now. It's hard when you want it to happen. Trust me, you don't want to be a part of the club. As Joanna said - you are part of the pilots wives club! On that note- i understand being a pilots wife and having a hard time getting pregnant. Big higs to you. If you ever want to talk drop me a line on my blog and ill get you my email.
Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Hi Brittney!
I just recently started TTC (in cycle 2) and I am having similar ups and downs. I do have a question though - have you read "Taking Charge of your Fertility"? It has cleared up so much for me. It has helped me determine when I'm ovulating, tells me how long sperm can live, etc. I'm charting and trying to figure out my body and doing better this month than I did last month.
If you haven't already, check it out. I'm trying to be relaxed and calm and have an easy going mindset - I don't want sex to turn into a chore! And from one impatient-wanna-be-pregnant-now to another, good luck!

Katiepie said...

Hi :) I'm in a pretty similar position and your posts on this topic really resonate with me. I wouldn't want to trade places with any of the infertility bloggers for a second, but the emotional roller-coaster is similar. And the not knowing!

My TTC blog is password protected, but feel free to email me (hotpotatorunning at gmail) if you'd like to follow along.

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