Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Feeling stuck

So Greg likes his van driver job. I think he'd like almost anything after truck driving. He really had no where to go but up from that experience. He was away from home all the time, being asked to do illegal things, living out of a truck, doing really hard labor, getting to shower every couple days if he was lucky. I'm glad he likes the van driving. I'm glad he's home. I'm glad he's not putting himself in danger. I'm just not really psyched about the job though. I just feel like it's beneath him. I felt that way about truck driving too. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, he's just too smart to be doing jobs that require no education or real talent. And the money is an issue too. It pays about minimum wage with tips. I would like him to be bringing home more money and find a more "permanent" job because that will enable us to feel secure enough (financially and otherwise) to have a baby. Until then that plan remains on hold indefinitely. I think about it a lot lately with people we know having babies. The other night we watched "Marley and Me" and one of the things about it that made me really sad (aside from the obvious: the dog dying) was that they had the natural progression of getting married, and after a few years deciding to start trying to have a baby. I am so jealous of people that just decide one day, "hey, let's start trying to have a baby". Like it's any other decision. I would love to be able to just have that moment when we were free to try.
I was telling Greg that I feel guilty that I feel so stuck, sad, angry, and frustrated. I know that in a lot of ways we are lucky. We have a nice house. We have a nice car. Nice things. I have a job that a lot of people envy (I work for the federal government, so I don't want to go into detail about it). I am happy for what I have. I was recently reading a blog written by a widow. Her husband died after they had only been married for 6 months. It sounded AWFUL. I realize I'm lucky that both Greg and I are healthy and alive and have what we have. But I just hate feeling stuck. I like life to take that natural progression and keep moving forward. I want to be promoted at work. I want to have kids. I want to keep taking steps forward. Not treading water in place.
I also feel like nothing in my life has come that easily to me. I went through a lot of years of dating and serious relationships before meeting my husband. Our entire marriage and relationship has been tough. We've gone through more than a lot of people go through in a whole marriage: changing careers (I was a cop and decided it wasn't the right thing for me anymore), moving like 5 times, losing pets, losing my grandma, Greg's dad had heart surgery, Greg's sister got divorced/remarried and is kind of estranged from his parents and we get put in the middle of it a lot, Greg's airlines going under, the furlough, him going through all these jobs since the furlough, and the list goes on... I feel like we deserve for things go smoothly and easily for us after all the crap we've been through. It's enough already.
I look at my brother and feel like everything has come easily to him. He's always gotten the girl he wanted, the jobs he's wanted, the promotions he's asked for, he makes ridiculous amounts of cash at his current job, he travels and stays at fancy hotels. If he wanted a baby right now, he and his wife could just go ahead and have one- money is not an issue at all for them. I just don't know why my life isn't more like that sometimes...
I feel so whiny about it, but seriously, why can't my life be just a little bit easier!?


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