The Meltdown

Yesterday I had a conversation with my friend Gibson about our running group. He's the one who got me into it and for that I'm really grateful, because some of the best people I've met in Charlotte have been from that group. The thing is that the group is Thursday nights at 6:30pm. And it's REALLY friggin dark out by 6:30pm now. And the group runs through a neighborhood that's ok, but maybe not the safest neighborhood. And I'm slower than a lot of runners and don't ever really run the entire run with someone because no one is exactly my pace. When I did the Halloween run, I was by myself almost the entire way. I told Gib that I'm thinking of taking a hiatus from the run, or maybe just going to hang out and have a drink after like I did last week, but not doing the actual run for a while. He got all pissy with me about it and was saying that I need to set goals for myself and that if I ran more on other days I'd be able to keep up with the group better and it wouldn't be an issue because I'd be with the group. The thing is, I don't really enjoy running. If I could magically be in shape and eat whatever I wanted without working out, I don't think I'd run. I do it so I can eat junk and not feel like a blob. It's an easy and cheap way to work out. All I have to do is throw on running shoes and I can just do it. I have no aspirations to run a marathon. Or even a half marathon. I actually don't think that's good for your body to run that much, so I don't WANT to run that far. Four miles is enough for me. I just want to run enough that I get a workout. That's my goal. But not at the expense of my safety. I'm a very safety conscious person. If there's one thing I've learned from working in law enforcement is that you shouldn't make yourself an easy target. That doesn't mean you never leave your house, but at the same time, running alone in the dark is what I'd classify as a stupid idea if you don't want to be a victim. I don't know what I want to do about running. I really love the running group, but I just think for all these reasons, I may put it on the back burner til it gets light outside again at 6:30pm.
Well Gibson's whole jab about the goal thing really struck a nerve with me. I spent the ride home fuming over the whole thing and feeling generally pissed off. It's like my motivation post from last week. I know this isn't the most goal-oriented/motivated I've ever been in my life. I look back and know that there were times I really faced my fears or took leaps of faith a lot more than I'm doing now. I went for it when I became a cop. I went for it when I moved to Ohio and only knew like one person there. When I moved to DC. When I applied for certain jobs. I've challenged myself more before. I think lately I just feel like things are shaky enough with Greg's job situation and all the other stuff we have going on that I feel no need to shake things up further by taking big chances. I want to keep things as stable as I can, and if that means only taking little calculated risks than that's what I feel like doing. It's my life. If it makes Gibson feel all special that he sets running goals for himself, than he can do that. I just don't want to.
Anyway, by the time I got home, I was in a pretty low place about everything. I tried calling Greg, but he couldn't talk. One of the other things I HATE about this stupid van driver job is that he can't talk on his cell at work. I'm really starting to have some serious hatred about his job. From my perspective truck driving was actually more conducive to having a relationship. We could talk on the phone with each other as much as we wanted then. And at least he had a prayer of having weekends off with that job. With this one, it's never.
This morning when I was getting ready I saw his schedule on the counter. I noticed that for next week he's again schedule to have two days off during the week. He got up shortly after and I unloaded on him. I had a meltdown. I was sobbing as I told him that I hated this job and the schedule. We never see each other and can't make any plans to do anything. I told him I need a vacation. I told him I'm sick of his inability to talk to his boss about his schedule. I said I have no idea what we're doing for the holidays because of his schedule, and I'm pissed. Right now I think I'm just going to leave him in Charlotte and go to my parents' house alone for Thanksgiving. Screw him if he can't ask for a day off. I'm done trying to plan anything for/with him. I am done putting in the effort to try to make a visit to Chicago to see HIS family happen if he won't help me. I'm sick of this shit.
Oh, and I'm going to take a trip with Melanie in 2010. I'm not putting my travel dreams on hold anymore waiting for him.
Disclaimer: I do have some PMS right now, and I think this is a culmination of a lot of things bubbling over. You might not know it from this blog, but I feel like usually I'm a pretty happy person. I feel like I've been reasonably patient despite everything that's happened. Sometimes I just need to vent and have a meltdown. I love Greg. I have a pretty good life and I realize that. I just feel...crappy right now.