Monday, November 16, 2009

Throughout the past year of Greg being furloughed I feel like Greg have alternated feeling crappy/depressed about things. I would say for the most part it's been him that has had lower moments. It makes sense since it was him that lost his job and him that's had to continually look for new jobs, search for flying jobs, and take the brunt of the pressure and sadness that's come with all of this. There were times when he was close to inconsolable he was so consumed with his sad feelings. Usually during those times, I was actually doing ok. I think as a spouse, you realize that both of you being in that low state of mind at the same time is bad, so you keep your head up and play cheerleader and do the best you can to be there for your spouse since they are in need.
For the most part, cosmetically, the furlough didn't change my life that much. I still have the same job, drive the same car, live in the same house, etc... But it did change my life in a large intangible way. It robbed me of a sense of security. It took away the momentum we had going towards building our future. I've said it before- I just feel stuck. The past few weeks, I think I've been the one that's feeling low about everything. Greg got a boost when he left the truck driving job he hated and started the hotel job, which he loves in comparison. I however, looked at the situation differently. He is in his third job in a year that doesn't pay well, has an awful schedule, and has no real future. We don't know if he will ever get called back to Continental. I think around the year mark, I recognized this even more than I did before. We've always known that we didn't know when, but after a year, it just seems like endless purgatory. I thought maybe at the year mark we'd have more of a light at the end of the tunnel. But we don't. I feel like we're just in this hole that we're never going to get out of, and I am losing my ability to be optimistic and being taken over by this jaded attitude about life.
Being married is interesting. Like I said, really for all intensive purposes, MY life- separate from Greg, hasn't changed. But when you get married, it's like you all the sudden feel everything your spouse feels, and everything is so intertwined. I feel guilty for saying it, but I feel dragged down by my husband's situation. He's a wonderful person and I'm proud of him for doing everything he has done this year. He's worked hard to keep us afloat and for the most part he's handled the situation pretty well. But right now, I feel like his situation is dragging us waaaaaaaay down, emotionally and financially. I don't blame him, but I feel like marriage is very tough because of this. It's getting to me lately. I feel exhausted trying to stay positive and happy despite everything. I feel like I'm succumbing a little bit to the misery of the situation. I just feel like wallowing in the frustration and sadness of not knowing when things are going to get better. I know I'm going to keep getting out of bed in the morning and going about life. But right now, I am not enjoying life that much. I feel like I'm going through the motions and waiting for things to get better.


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